About Me

My photo
I'm Christy. Christian first, wife to a Retired Soldier, mom to 7, our oldest is with the Lord after he called her home against a battle against AML leukemia. I am a Homeschooling/SAHM/Housewife. The biggest blessing in my life is serving The Lord, Jesus Christ. I am a sinner, fail often, but am forgiven.

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Truth Be Told

I have "friends" plenty of them, but I am not actually important to any of them. They take what they want, then hang up or walk away.
My phone rings, and I can be on the line for an hour and if I spoke 5 minutes out of that 60, that's pushing it. What I don't say to others is that I understand very clearly that I am not important. They'll listen to a few things, but it always and I do mean ALWAYS turns back to them.
I'm tired of feeling unimportant, and that my thoughts don't matter.
It's not just 1 friend, it's all of them. I also see the common denominator, it's me. I don't understand why with everyone I get to be the listener, but not to be listened to, outside of a few minutes.
I also am tired of being out on the back burner, especially when it comes to my best friends.
I don't work outside of the home, so my job is not nearly as important, and my ministry doesn't exist. I don't share the 5-10 messages asking me to pray for people every day, because I am asked to please keep it to myself. I am so burdened for those who I pray for, but I guess since I do this on my own, it's not important.
I don't depend on others to educate my children, so my struggles withy kids and school doesn't matter.

I am TIRED of not being important to anyone. I am TIRED of not being enough. I am mad. I am mad that it seems only some get to express their opinion and when I do, it's turned into a personal attack, never mind that they were never even in my thought process.

 I already know I have depression. I already know I have anger issues. I already know that I am NOT important to most people who would claim I am. Guess what, it's a freaking LIE. When someone is important to you, they reach out, and call just to ask how YOU are and don't turn every single conversation to them. Maybe I am wrong. I am wrong constantly, but at this point, I am sick of always being the listener and never getting listened to.

The last 2 years have sucked, and no one cares. NO ONE that walks on this Earth. It sucks that I sit here crying, because I know that no one actually cares about me.
I think it's time I just accept it.

My best friend can't bother to ever visit me and my other can't be bothered to stop talking and listen to me.

I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Sad that the only person who listens to me, I have to pay.








Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Growing Wings and Flying

Our goal as parents is to raise our children and have them spread their wings and fly and I have done that now. I have dreaded this day for the last couple of years, the closer we got the more I dreaded it, and as the months dwindled down, the tears came easier and easier and now he's gone. Our oldest son and 2nd oldest left last Saturday afternoon, they went to Colorado to see my oldest sons friend who moved back to Colorado the day after they graduated HS, they spent the night, he had to get a new tire (which sucked since he just got new tires not long ago), then the long drive from Fort Collins to Phoenix, with an unintended trip into Vail lol and him saying "We do NOT belong here"! LOL
My mom and I left the day after/Sunday and we had the delusional idea we could drive straight through, but thankfully by 9 that night (after leaving at 6 AM) we stopped and stayed at a wonderful hotel in New Mexico. We had stopped at various places throughout our first day, and on Monday I saw signs for the Petrified Forest, so we went there and oh how beautiful!! If you are ever in New Mexico, you need to go! What's wonderful is you get some of the painted desert and petrified forest! It's beautiful, and just such a masterpiece of God!!
We arrived in Phoenix Monday night, and my boys arrived 30 minutes after we did. The following day my oldest and I went to his school (UTI) took care of some things, dropped off his belongings that my mom and I brought down for him (his car is small and he couldn't bring much in his car), then back to the condo. My son and his girlfriend came over and we all had dinner and the kids went swimming, well my boys went swimming, the pool was absolutely freezing and so his gf got in and got right back out (smartly lol).
Wednesday my mom and I went to the Botanical Garden in Phoenix and it was hot, but so beautiful. They had just opened up the butterfly house and there were so many butterflies in there! It was beautiful!! Although it was 95 degree's we were so glad we went. We didn't see all of it, but next year when our son graduates, we will be back and wonderfully as we left, we took a short survey and got 2 free tickets (each) that do not expire, so when my husband and other kids come down we can all go back, and see the whole thing!
Thursday my mom and I did some shopping, had a pedicure and manicure, then back to the condo to start packing things up, loading her vehicle, the boys had spent the day together, then both stayed at the condo for the night. It struck me as I was getting ready for bed that night, it was the last night that my oldest would sleep under the same roof as me until the week of Christmas.
We were up early the next morning (I woke up around 5:30 without my alarm going off!) showered, dressed, and woke the boys up at 6, then we were off to the Grand Canyon which was 3 1/2 hours North! The boys followed me and my mom up there. It was a wonderful day, and seeing the Grand Canyon was amazing!
There are no words to describe how beautiful it was and just more examples of God's amazing wonders that He's created!! I was brought to tears by the Painted Desert and Petrified Forest, but the Grand Canyon was just truly beyond words and I was so overwhelmed with emotions. My oldest had been there the summer before, but we went to different areas than what he had seen the year before and we were all just overwhelmed at the beauty!
5:30 we were leaving the park, and drove my son to his car and the tears freely flowed. Saying see you later was so hard. We were ALL crying, hugging, kissing him on the cheek, more hugs, lots more tears, and I had him drive away first, because I couldn't "leave" him. I just couldn't bring myself to do that. I needed him to go and watch his car drive ahead of me. We talked off and on, on his drive back to Phoenix.
We got stuck in traffic just trying to get to Flagstaff. They were tearing down a bridge, so we were eventually forced into one lane (I can't even describe how many semi's were in the mess!) I didn't go more than 5 mph for an HOUR! IT sucked! LOL We got to the bridge, drove up the exit, straight down it, after that it was smooth driving, we drove a couple more hours and then found a motel to crash at for the night. We were all exhausted. We were up by 6 the next morning, dressed, and off to head home. We stopped a few times, and got home at 1:40 AM. I was wiped out. My mom stayed at my house and got up Sunday morning and drove home. I slept in, then took a 3 hour nap with my youngest! Talked to our oldest a couple times on the phone and via text!
It doesn't really feel real that he's really gone yet, I think when he's not home next week it will really hit me, that this is truly REAL. Our family is changing. He's grown and flown. He has said he wants to move back to Kansas after he finishes school, and I'm praying he does. He's thinking around Kansas City. A lot depends on him getting a job and where that is. My cousin was in Phoenix Tuesday-Thursday and we had dinner with him on Wednesday. He gave my son his card and a card for a company that he works with, that may hire my son, if it works with his school schedule. It's in his field that he's planning on going into, so that would be great for him. He's a very hard worker and when he left his job from this summer, his boss tried to talk him into staying. That says a lot, considering he was hired as harvest help, and he told him that if he moves back, just come in and he'll have a job. (It's not in his future field of work, but what a great compliment!)


So here we are. My oldest living baby has started his first steps into true adulthood. He's moved over 1,000 miles away, starts school next week, will hopefully start a job next week, he moves into his apartment tomorrow. I HATE that I'm not going to be there for his orientation and helping him move in and get settled into his apartment, but this is what it is.

I am just praying that he seeks the Lord, leans on HIM, and that his relationship with Jesus will continue to grow. He's had a rough 2 years, making some very bad choices, suffered the consequences of those decisions, and this weekend. 3 of his classmates made a horrible decision and one was shot in the chest and most likely is paralyzed from the chest down, while his cousin and friend and possibly him and another kid will most likely be going to prison. These are all kids who had the world in the palm of their hands. Two were ridiculously talented football players, college football players. A stupid decision and now their lives as they knew it are over. Please join me in praying for them all. Most of all for this young man who was shot, but also for the others.  



                                                         The Painted Desert
                                                          Painted Desert
                                                          Painted Desert
                                                                 Petrified Forest
                                                                  Petrified Forest
                                                            Petrified Forest/Painted Desert
                                                     Son #2 at Grand Canyon
                                              Son #2 and #1 at Grand Canyon
                                                    #2 and #1 at Grand Canyon

Grand Canyon



Blessings......






Thursday, September 5, 2019

Getting Help

I took a big step for me a few weeks ago and made an appointment for myself to see a therapist. In a town about 30 minutes away is a counseling center that's a CHRISTIAN counseling center. I like my therapist. I saw her last week and I saw her yesterday as well. I am already making progress. My 16 year old son and I have had honestly a horrible relationship for the last 4 years. Last week, we had a major breakthrough. I wish I could explain just how amazing it was. Both of us were crying, many apologies were said, wrongs were admitted, and love was shown and given from each of us. We have both had such hard hearts towards one another for so long, I didn't know if our relationship would ever be repaired. Let me tell you we have a great, big GOD!! HE has changed our relationship so drastically! I do have to remind myself to talk kindly to him, because to be brutally honest, when you have not talked kindly to someone for 4 years, it takes reminding oneself to talk kindly more often!
I have a lot of things to work through, but thankfully I will work through it and with God guiding me, I truly believe I will find my peace in the Lord once again, and peace in me.

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Finding Help

I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday morning. I hope it will help. I am positive I am dealing with depression at the very least. I can be around people who say they are my friend and still feel so lonely. I truly feel like I cannot be fully honest with anyone, and share what is going on with me, because to be bluntly honest, I am scared of their reaction.
I have been dealing with my feelings by eating, over eating, and eating all the wrong stuff.
One thing I have changed this week is my eating. I am eating cottage cheese for breakfast and lunch, snacking on carrots, and having a sensible, low complex carb dinner. So far I have lost 7 lbs since Monday. I am working out and walking and do feel better when I do that, so those are two positive changes and knowing I am going to have someone to talk to and hopefully work through this depression with. I am also going to try to treat this depression naturally. I do not trust pharmaceuticals and believe they do more harm than good. I am going start with Liver Cod oil and proceed from there.
I still feel far from the Lord, bit I continue to pray, continue to read HIS word, and write out my Bible verse daily.
One area that has hurt me to the core is my relationship with my oldest. The plan was to go with him to Arizona to set up his apartment. My mom and sister in law going as well, and we would use the week to hang out together as well. He told me he doesn't want us to go. He has stomped on my heart. I have also decided that since he made it very clear he wants separation that I will not be purchasing a ticket for him to.fly back for Christmas. I am not being spiteful, just trying to respect his wishes to get away from us, from me.
I thought we were in a better place, but I was very wrong. He's making choices that I believe are going to cause him harm, but at this point I can't stop him. I write this through tears.  He doesn't want to be like me and I don't blame him.
As for my marriage, I have been sleeping on the couch for over 2 weeks now. My 15 year old grabbed my wrists 2 weeks ago and bruised them and my right shoulder. My husband stood right there and allowed it and actually said he saw no issue. He cussed at me and called me vile names over the weekend. I know I am at just as much fault, but I do have to stand up for myself and have at least enough self respect and enough dignity for my daughter's to tell them it's not okay to be spoke or treated this way.

One day at a time 

Monday, August 19, 2019

Failure

I have felt like a failure for years. I failed our oldest, by getting her vaccinated, allowing others to smoke around her, and ultimately being the cause of her cancer.
I failed keeping her alive. It's been 19 years since she died and I will never forgive myself.
I am failing at my marriage. We have been married for 22 years, and we are so close to divorce.
I am a failure as a mother to my other 6 years. I am angry almost all the time. I tell over stupid little stuff and the big stuff.
I am absolutely miserable.

I feel so far away from God. I want to feel HIM but he's so far away from. I am so lost, scared, sad, and justs empty.
My kids may love me, but they definitely don't like me and I can't blame them.

I don't feel like I really have any friends. I. can't  be truly honest about who I am, because if I am no one would come.close to me, ever. To be fully honest, no one should.
I just am done. I wish that God would just take me home tonight. Everyone would be better off with me gone. I ache for our Savior come and take me home. Oh that one sweet day. I can't wait.
In the meantime, I know I am a failure. This isn't a pity post, it's just a reality and admitting the truth.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Depression

I am pretty sure I'm dealing with depression. I want to preface this to say, I'm crying out to Jesus. Praying constantly, with that, I'm hurting so much. I feel so alone. I cry to the Lord, but I do not feel him. My marriage is falling apart. I'm a terrible mother. I know I have friends, but yet, don't really feel like I have any. One of my best friends had offered up something, and although I do not care if she follows through with that, she's not reached out to me at all. I'm done calling. I'm done texting, messaging. I'm done feeling rejected.
I get people are busy. Hello, I am too, but I try, but it's a one way street. I'm just to the point that I just can't anymore, because it feels pointless. I don't feel like I really have anyone here. I wish I could explain how lonely and sad I am. I'm constantly feeling sad and constantly lonely. I can be in a room full of people who say they're my friend and I feel completely alone.
I know no one reads this anymore, but to be able to write it out for myself is what I need right now.
The song I feel like is my theme right now is Casting Crowns: Does Anybody Hear Her
"She Is running 100 miles an hour, in the wrong direction".....
That's what I feel like. Running in the wrong direction, screaming "does anybody hear me, does anybody care?" I can tell you the answer...no. They see the persona that I let people see, but to see my hurt, my heart, my fears, my heartbreak, my sadness, my despair. NO ONE see's me. No ONE cares to see me. It's easier to not see me.
My husband doesn't care. My kids hate me. I'm often so full of anger and hurt, I often just lash out, get mad easily.
So this is where I'm at. Pretty sure I have depression, hoping I can treat it naturally vs Big Pharma.
I guess I need to get into see someone to figure out where I am in my mental health.

Monday, May 6, 2019

Almost grown and flown

My oldest son is my only public school child, the rest I home school.  He's a Senior and will be graduating in 2 weeks. My heart is HEAVY. I am excited to see him experience new things and excited for his future, but I'm sad that his childhood is nearly over. I'm thankful that he will be staying with us until October when he'll move across the country to begin school and be closer to his girlfriend. I'm trying NOT to focus on that fact that he's leaving us and will be 17 hours driving, 2 hour flight from us.
Tonight though, we had their class Baccalaureate. It was beautiful. The prayers, the message, the music, and the poem.
One of the bible verses shared was: James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

I struggle with being happy that my son is about to graduate and leave, but I have JOY. Joy comes from Jesus and Jesus alone. I am clinging to the Lord as we prepare for these new changes in our family, as we prepare to witness our son spread his wings and I pray his roots are deep and brings him back to visit us often.