About Me

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I'm Christy. Christian first, wife to a Retired Soldier, mom to 7, our oldest is with the Lord after he called her home against a battle against AML leukemia. I am a Homeschooling/SAHM/Housewife. The biggest blessing in my life is serving The Lord, Jesus Christ. I am a sinner, fail often, but am forgiven.

Monday, March 4, 2019

Liars

I hate being lied to. I hate when the one person who should tell me the truth has lied to me and thinks I'm stupid enough not to know I'm being lied to. It really infuriates me that him and our oldest son are together lying to me, especially when they lied to me about something HUGE and I mean HUGE last year and when the truth came out, I was fit to be tied. The thing is, whether I want to admit it or not, there's an expectation that my kids will lie to me at various times in their lives, but I do NOT expect my husband to lie to me over their lies, as well.
If you make a mistake, just own it. Don't lie, because the truth is going to come out. The sinful, prideful, ugly side of me wants to tell my husband, "just wait until our girls are older" and they tell me something they don't want you to know, but need to know. BUT, the difference is, I won't keep it a secret. I may tell him to keep quiet, but I won't keep a secret. Not telling is lying.
We've dealt with this kind of crap for years and I'm at the point that trust is broken and I have no belief in him that he's being honest with me, even if he is. It sucks. A wife should be able to trust her husband, especially when it comes to her children, but I know I can't.
I have also told both of them that I know they're lying and I don't trust either of them. They don't seem to care, because they continue to lie.
If you are a mom or a dad who keeps things from the other parent, I would encourage you to stop. Tell that parent. If you want to keep open communication with your child, ask your spouse to not tell the child, but your first loyalty goes to your spouse, because once that trust is broken, it will take a lot to mend it.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Birthday's

I turned 42 a few days ago. I don't mind birthday's, I actually really like them. I'm a woman and feel blessed to get older, because the fact is, tomorrow is not promised for a single one of us and if God has allowed me another year, I am GRATEFUL!
Now with that, I'm not saying I expect a big hoopla, I don't expect parties. I don't expect everyone to gush over me all day, or the newest trend/week or month. BUT, I do expect a little attention on my birthday. Yes, I said it. I want some attention on my birthday. I want to feel like I'm at least a little important to the most important people in my life...my children and husband.
My husband was really good on my birthday. He had Bible study that morning and my girls had dance, so he took all the kids except our oldest and his girlfriend who were visiting. I slept in, I was babysitting until early afternoon, then my husband and the kids got home, they gave me a hug and said Happy Birthday and then down to the family room they went for the rest of the afternoon. I didn't see any of them, except my youngest until dinner, which my husband made for me. As soon as dinner was finished, they disappeared. When the cake was done, they all rushed upstairs and I could hear scurrying in the kitchen. I was called to the kitchen, gifts were opened, cake was ate, and then everyone disappeared again.
I felt ignored. I felt unimportant. I was hurt. I am STILL hurt days later.  I read these beautiful cards, telling me how important I am, how loved I am. The fact is, I felt unimportant and unloved, possibly more than I ever have in my life.
I expressed my hurt to my husband and I know I need to express it to my kids. I would never want them to feel the way I did. I want and try hard, on their birthday's to make them feel special. I try to express to them throughout the year how important and special they are to me.
So, now I deal with the fact that there's more selfishness in my children than I realized and I fix it, because if I don't they're going to grow up to be selfish adults and that's absolutely not okay.

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Friendships or lack there of.....

I should start this to say I'm in a poor poor me state of mind. I promise that I will be out of it most likely by tomorrow morning.  I surely am not the only person who is there almost always for her friends, but it's absolutely not a two way street. I feel myself sinking. My two best friends live 12-16 hours away by car. I have friends here, but some have drifted pretty well out of my life, and others just seems that when they need me, I hear from them, otherwise, not so much. I'm lonely. This has been a song I've sang multiple times since we moved back to Kansas. I'm not sure I've cried as much over this lonely feeling as I have the last 6 years.
To be totally honest, I understand that the common denominator is me. I also understand I am NOT everyone's cup of tea. I guess I just wish that people would be honest with me. Tell me what I'm doing wrong. I've never had issues being blessed with friendship, as I have since we came back. I find I grow friendships and then one thing or another happens and that friendship dwindles in some manner or another. I've understood it in some cases and others I'm still bewildered. Some friends have moved, some have had major life changes and I guess I was just not the friend they needed at the time.
I think the most recent friendship that has changed that has hurt the most is 2 of whom I considered 2 very close friends, who I brought together, were literally and I do mean literally talking and sharing "looks" right behind my back. We were at ones husband's retirement party at the lake. The kids had been playing in the lake. While the kids were drying off, one of my little's was not obeying and getting their shoes on, I had repeated myself multiple times to them to get their shoes on. I had been with this little one, constantly doing this act for him and had recently been working to make him independent in this task and we were working hard on obeying. I turned to say something to my two "friends" and see them roll their eyes and make quiet, snide comments about why I couldn't just do it for my child. I think they thought the wind was covering their voice, but they were close enough I could touch them, without moving from where I was standing. I was hurt and honestly, I'm still hurt and it's been probably 9 months. I didn't say anything then, I was shocked, and afterwards didn't because I didn't want to completely destroy the friendship, but I stopped sharing as much. I definitely put up a wall, did not share like I had with them. One of them moved away and I honestly thought, the other friend and I would draw closer, but the opposite has happened and we've barely talked at all since she left.
I know there are many, many things I need to work on personally. I just am not sure what areas I can do better at and what areas I'm good/solid, and to be totally raw and honest, I'm scared to ask. It's hard to hear where you're a failure, especially in friendship, motherhood, and a wife, and well let me tell you, I'm a pretty big failure in all 3. I have a HORRIBLE relationship with my 2nd son/3rd child. My oldest living child, graduates this spring and his plan is to move to Arizona, which is about 20 hours drive from us. I say hurtful things to the people I love the most in this world and the reality is, nothing I can say, no amount of sorry's takes my ugly words away.
I am a person who NEEDS girlfriends in her life. I want friends. I long for them. Having 2 best friends hours away, my best Army wife friend half way across the world, and another the other way across the world.
I long for a friend who knows my heart, see's the ugly, and will love me anyways. I'm not sure I'll have that here, but I'm praying that I will, one day. I'm hopeful that the friends who are far in distance, will be there a bit more for me. Will answer when I call or will call me vs me having to call them.
I am not sure why the Lord has placed me in this spot with friendships the last 6 years. Will you join me in prayer, the 2 or 3 people who read this. Pray that the Lord will bring a friend to my life, for the long haul, who will be a friend who will call me out on my shortcomings and will be there for the good and the bad. Will love me for me.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Friendships

I wrote this in June and forgot to
June 22
Yesterday I came across a Meme and it really struck me with reality and heart ache.
I had been with two friends, two friends I consider some of my closest friends here and found them talking about me, giving each other "looks" between, which said no doubt they've been talking about me, before this. It honestly threw me a little, right there, just inches from me little remarks and looks that were like a knife into my heart.
I have two best (girl) friends and neither live here, and both I trust, and although we won't always agree on everything, I know they're true friends, they come TO me and to my face (or phone or text) and will tell me the TRUTH. They don't stand behind my back and make little snide comments or looks. It got me to thinking thought of the fact that I've gossiped about friends, as well. I've gossiped with those same two friends about the other and the conviction HURT, but it doesn't take away the truth and it's been a harsh reminder that if I don't want others talking about me, then I best be above reproach myself.
So when with a friend yesterday and I saw talk going that way, leading to gossip, I redirected. I have hard habits that must be broken, and this is most definitely one that is ending now.
My heart still hurts, trust has been broken. I guess I'm just still in shock that it happened right there nearly in front of me (although it was literally behind my back and I just turned and saw it and heard the comments.





Thursday, June 7, 2018

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There's the official, I'm only posting it once, won't do it again! :)

Christy 

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Too young to say Goodbye

On Mother's Day it was our local high school graduation. Our oldest son attends the high school (the rets of our children are homeschooled). Monday night, one of the young men who graduated was on his way home from his girlfriends when a terrible accident happened, he wrecked and did not survive. His parents donated his organs (he had chosen to be an organ donor), and through that donation, he changed 50, yes you read that right FIFTY people's lives!  It's been a VERY emotional week. It's hard to wrap ones head around that a life is complete in 17 years, but the Lord called him home. All week I've comforted my son and various friends who've walked into our home as they grieved their friend, as well as done their best to be there for his younger brother who's the same age as my oldest son and one of his best friends.

The facts are, we as parents never expect to outlive our children. We don't expect to have to comfort our teenage and younger children as they mourn the loss of their friend, and as they watch their friend mourn his brother. The hardest part for me has been to watch my son cry, hurt, mourn and know that I can't fix this for him. To watch these boys want their friend back and know that he's not just off on summer vacation, but with our Savior. I hate that a friend of mine now knows this pain that is a bereaved parent. I don't wish that on anyone.

Please keep our small community in your prayers. This young man was a very talented wrestler in his own right and he also helped coach Kids wrestling as well and many of those kids are very young and hurting and some just don't get it. He was a life guard, taught many (including 2 of mine) kids during swimming lessons. Tonight starts the new normal for them in reality. The planning is over, and really most people's lives will start to go back to normal, and the hard grieving and work will begin. Deep breaths will be taken, and the reality will feel even more real. God makes us numb for a good week or so after the death of a loved one, but then he allows that numbness to let up and you start going through those grief phases. Please pray for the family.









Tuesday, May 8, 2018

My Girl

Today, May 8 marks 18 years since my first born, my beautiful girl went to Heaven. She was dx with AML leukemia M5 with CNS involvement....

I'm just going to leave this here, maybe I will be able to write more tomorrow..