Love....hurts

Sometimes the people who should love us the most, hurt us the most. Our parents, even as adults should provide a soft place to fall, but instead are a bed of thorns. I don't even think they know what or how they have hurt me, even when I have said how. They just don't see it. When I'm told something that's just not true, and when I see how many time my kids have been hurt with the double standards. When I look at how my parents don't miss anything my nieces do, but more often than not can't manage to make it to things my kids do, it's a slap in the face. For years I heard their guilt tripping that if we weren't in Germany they could be part of my kids lives. Well, we've been back for 10 years. They never saw J1 play any of the sports he played, except baseball practice when they visited us in Germany and he was 5 and J2 was 3. J1 played High school football for 4 years, Wrestling 3 years, and baseball for 2 years (and summer baseball for 3 or 4 years). J 2 they watched one of his football games, that he played on a homeschool league, and they played their last game 30 minutes from them, so they came). E played softball for years, they never came to a single one of her games. They have watched her dance recitals, most years although 3 or 4 they have chosen other things were more important to them than to watch E & O's recital. They've never watched O play softball, they did come to 1 of her soccer games last year, along with N2's soccer game (same day, they had 2 games each, so they watched one game per kid). They never watched N 1 play football or baseball, which he doesn't play anymore. N2 they have watched when he played Tball his 1st year playing, went to one soccer game, and one flag football game, and they came today to watch him wrestle, because the tournament was in the town they live closest to (they live in the country). The thing is, that with my nieces, my mom gets their schedule either from the school or their summer schedule she asks for it. My kids, unless I tell them and ask if they want to come, it doesn't seem to even dawn on them to come.  
I am done trying to have them be somewhat involved grandparents to my kids. They're not interested, and I can't make them WANT to be in my kids lives. I know my mom calls my nieces, and I know she DOES NOT call my kids. Three of my kids have their own phones, 2 are adults. The only time they call them is on their birthdays. The only time they're texted is when they want Christmas ideas. 

It HURTS, deeply. I don't believe this is how things should be. I don't believe this is what God wants. I know that we often learn and grow the most from our painful times, and I can already SEE what God is allowing me to learn/teaching me. What to do and not to do with my own kids, including or maybe especially my adult kids. What do do and not to do with my future grandchildren. I NEVER want my kids to feel like they're not important to me. I NEVER want my kids to feel like I favor one grandchild (or grandkids) over another. I want them to feel they're each important and special to me. I want them to each have their own relationship with me, I want them to feel safe, loved, and enjoy coming to my house. I'm learning what I want as a relationship with my kids as adults, which I have 2 of so far, and in a blink of an eye will have many. 

So, I'm here trying to learn lessons that God is teaching me, through hurt and heartbreak (far more than I've shared here). I've cried more than I care to admit or share. If you're reading this, please pray, because I'm truly hurting. 

 Last night I started on another goal. I have a goal of walking 50 miles a month. I walk on average 2 to 3 miles a day, so if I do that daily I will be walking on average 56-60 miles a month. I'm going to be also listening to my body when it comes to eating. My initial plan was to fast during the day and eat once a day, and I may switch to that, but I'm currently sitting here at almost 1 PM and my stomach is growling, so I'm am going to eat a small lunch. I want to of course drop weight, but more importantly, I want to be healthy. I want to be a good example to my kids on how to treat their bodies. 
I have already done my daily Bible reading and daily Bible verse writing, so feeling good at these accomplishments! 

We started back up at school today, as well. I'm having my kids learn to write in cursive. My 10 year old has some of the most beautiful handwriting I've ever seen in general, much less in a 10 year old. My 12 year old sons is a bit lacking, but it's getting there! My 7 year old will start cursive in a couple months, we're still working on manuscript. I think having a solid foundation in both script and cursive is important. I am looking forward to this spring semester and what we're going to be learning together and individually. My younger 3 do History together and we're starting on Anatomy, they are all at different levels of course, and that's the beauty of homeschooling. They can learn together, while being on their own level at the same time! Math they do individually, and they all read on their own levels as well. 
I'm debating on if I'll share pictures of my kids here. I haven't since I started this particular blog. I have never even shared their names. At this point I'll just share their initial and since some of my kids share the same first letter in their first name, I'll add a 1, 2, or 3. 
So let me "introduce my kids! 
J-1 is our oldest, our daughter who died when she was 2 from AML leukemia. She was smart, sweet, kind, funny, and absolutely beautiful. J-2 is our oldest son, he's 21, lives on his own with his dog, and is a Diesel Technician. He's funny, smart, stubborn, determined, a very hard worker, and a handsome kid if I say so myself!  He was quite the surprise for my husband and myself! We found out only 8 days after J1 went home to Heaven that I was pregnant with him. J3 is our 2nd son, and is 19. He lives on his own as well, and is currently trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. He's getting to deal with some hard, but necessary life lessons. He's a smart young man, but is also very stubborn, and I see the Lord teaching him through that stubborn streak. He's very close to dad/my husband. He's got a beautiful heart, and is a tall and handsome guy, too. I look forward to seeing what God does with his future! E is our 15 year old daughter. We prayed she would be a girl during my pregnancy, as we were emotionally ready for another daughter. God was so kind in allowing us this answer to prayer. She's kind, quiet, a lover of books, photography, very smart, beautiful, hilarious, loves her rabbits, and is very good with kids, she does not do drama and avoids it if at all possible, loves to dance and is a beautiful dancer, and has a gorgeous singing voice. N-1 is 12. He's quiet, but can also be very loud. He's hilarious in that unsuspecting way. He loves video games, he's ridiculously smart in math, is in the stage of life where he loves to tease his siblings. He's very smart, sometimes I think, too smart. He has said in the past that he wants to be a Missionary. I have no idea if he will, but I do believe he's going to move in great ways for God's Kingdom! Let me just say, I don't have ugly kids! LOL 
O is 10 and my Sassy, funny, sweet, talented dancer, beautiful girl. She's almost always smiling and laughing. Has recently discovered a love of reading, loves to draw. She definitely is her own true self. As much as E doesn't like drama, O seems to invite it in. Part of it is her age, and part of it is her personality, oh and she's beautiful! 
N 2 is my baby. He's 7. He loves Lego's and Nerf guns, and has no fear in him. He's the first of my children to break a bone (which is not to say that my others haven't been to the ER for suspected broken bones in the past!). He loves to play sports, loves to be read to, and has possibly been pampered to a bit more than his siblings, by me and dad, and well his siblings, too! He's hilarious and will say the funniest things. He can be a bit lazy when doing certain tasks, but we're working on that. He definitely was a surprised blessing that I thank GOD for! 
My husband C and I have been married for 25 years. He was in the Army for 20 (we married 3 years into his career). We lived in Kansas 3 times,  Washington DC, Northern Virginia, and Germany twice. We're now retired from the Army and settled in Central Kansas. I grew up in N.E. Kansas and hope to one day live there again. 

That about catches you up on us. 

New Year, New Goals....

 New year and new goals. I don't make resolutions, but I do have goals set. One is to blog more often. I'm also reading my Bible through this year. I did this a couple of years ago and am looking forward to doing so again. 
I'm looking for a new devotional, but am looking for a Biblically sound one and that's not very easy to find. Over the last couple of years I've worked hard to be more discerning in Biblical reading. I want to make sure the devotion I read is solid. (Feel free to send suggestions, so I can research). 
I am not only reading through the Bible this year, I'm going to be doing daily Bible verse coping and working on memorizing a Bible verse a week. Now, I say that, being behind in the memorization, already. I will be starting that tomorrow, but will work on 2 short verses one week this year, so I can memorize 52 verses. 
I have struggled for years in memorizing Bible verses and that frustrates me, as my kids do it with AWANA and I have worked with AWANA for 18 years. I have a few memorized, John 3:16 of course, but I'm going to do this. I will be writing my verse on Index cards, yes multiple. I will be taping them in my bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, and keeping one in the living room as well. Please will you pray that the Lord will help me in this. I truly believe God wants all of us to know HIS word inside and out, and although I God's word, to have it truly hidden in my heart and be able to pull it out anytime, would be such a blessing. 

If you're interested in writing out verses, here's what I'm using for January: 

I started off late on this as well, but am all caught up and actually a day ahead, because we have a busy Sunday, with church, Missions, and a New Years Potluck and Prayer time. 
My goal this year beyond anything else, is to be fully in God's word, between reading through the Bible, writing out verses, and memorizing verses. God is so good. He's so good to me, and I know I can do nothing FOR HIM, but I can do this to bring praise to HIM. 

What Do You Do?

 What do you do when you find out a friendship is possibly over, but you are clueless to why. You have reached out, there was response, but no answers were given, just a lot of what feels like empty words. A person who usually has a lot to say and says it well, still says quite a bit, but says very little. I know what I'm saying may be a bit confusing, I'm just working it out, I guess. 
I was told something that says a friendship is over, but I was dumbfounded, since I'd just talked to her, although pretty surface level, nothing felt off, nothing felt "over". We both laughed, my smile was genuine, and I thought hers was as well. But, what I was told makes that all a lie, on her side. In all my life, friends have come and gone, but mostly not over, just literally they moved because of the military. 
I have shared with 2 friends and my husband, and all have said that if she said what I was told, that's on her. If I did something, I WANT to know. I want to know if it's something I could do that maybe needs changed, or if we really are just such polar opposites that this was bound to happen. One friend said, "she's jealous. You have never waivered from who you are." If that's it, I haven't. Through all of the covid mess, I stayed true to my values, I refused to mask up and live in fear. I have never gotten a test and NEVER will. I am against all V's, so clearly not getting that, ever. I do not know and I'm bewildered. 

It's interesting, because there's a friendship that ended many years ago and I had no clue why. But, the last year we connected again. She told me she was going through infertility and although she loved me and my family, it hurt her none the less, so she ended the friendship and because she said she felt ashamed, she couldn't tell me why. Praise God, he's healed so much of her hurt, and God is doing things to grow their family. I missed her, and I love her and I'm so glad we've found our way back to each other. It was also a huge relief to know the why, and although I do not know her pain, it's understandable to me. 

So I'm here, feeling sad that a friendship seems to have ended, but who knows it could just be paused and something we have to figure out down the road. 

I'm now just working on being gentle with myself as we have a busy few weeks and Mother's Day will be 22 years since my beautiful girl went Home to Heaven.  Every 8 years, the anniversary of her death lands on Mother's Day. We have been invited to celebrate a friends husband's and one of her child's birthday's with a BBQ at the local lake. I shared with her what the day is for me, and she said she understands, and is good with understanding I may not know until that day. I'm so grateful for people in my life that just understand that and don't push. Don't try to guilt me into doing things that may simply be too hard. Who get that, I may be okay and happy for the distraction or that I'll be lucky to get out of bed. This year for her birthday, I literally stayed in bed, almost all day. I just was so over whelmed in sadness I couldn't get out of bed, until later in the day. 

I am glad I'm back here and writing. It's therapeutic. 

My Girl

 Today my girl would be 24. We had her for 2 years 1 month, 8 days. Her 1st birthday she spent in a German hospital, hooked up to Chemo, having been diagnosed with AML leukemia only 6 days prior, we had sweet friends (mom and her 2 girls) who came up with cupcakes and gifts and we celebrated her birthday.  Her 2nd birthday, we knew she was dying. We had a big party at our home with friends. That was it. If she was alive, I don't even know if she'd live close enough that we could have taken her out for dinner or called her and sang Happy Birthday. As I type this, it's literally almost the time I gave birth to her. 

I have spent all day in bed, watching the ID channel. I figured, I felt sad, so I'll watch other people's sadness too. I know it's messed up. I just miss her so very much. I don't know how it's possible she could be 24 years old. 

I hope tomorrow I can write more in my heart. Tonight, I just feel empty and sad. 

Starting Again

 I haven't written in a long time, well that's not completely true. I haven't published anything I have written in a long time. I struggle with being completely open, feeling like if anyone reads my words they will judge me either silently or even out loud. I struggle to share my inner thoughts with anyone. I have 1 friend who lives half way across the world, that I find I can be completely open with and never feel judged, but know she'll also be honest with me, while loving me completely. 

I hope that I can start blogging more and even if no one else reads my words, it'll be something one day that I may one day share with my kids, or just look back on for myself even. I find myself drawn to writing when I'm feeling down or just almost blah and I want to work it out. I've been in my Bible more. I'm currently reading through Romans. I'm taking my time. I got a Study Bible for Christmas, so it's allowing me to read and fully understand. 

 For Christmas this year my husband bought me a Cricut Easy Press. I had asked for a Cricut, and he thought that's what he got me! Ultimately the man bought me a large iron! LOL I wasn't mad, and I ended up getting a Cricut 6 weeks later for my birthday! A month later and I finally decided to brave it and use it. My husband actually helped me a lot. I get really overwhelmed with new things, that are more technical. Thankfully, I think I will be able to figure it out, now that we've made my husband a tshirt. Hopefully, over the next few days I can make more tshirts, and maybe some cups and other vinyl decals. I'd love to make some for my vehicles even. 

My goal is to blog once or twice a week. As I start using my cricut more, I will probably share what I'm doing on here. I am only doing this for "me". A friend asked if I planned to make a business, no. I plan to make things for my family and extended family and friends. I'm excited to figure it out, and actually be a little creative! Now that I've used it once, it's inspired me to get my "craft" room cleaned out and quit being what I'd nicknamed "crap" room! I hope to get it cleared out in the next 2 weeks, so I can get down to "business" so to speak. 

I actually have a goal to get my whole house cleaned up My bedroom, my kids, our basement which houses our family room and "storage". I'm really hoping this spring or early summer get my bedroom painted and bathroom finished painting. Lots of plans. I think what I really need to do is plan things out month by month, March: craft room, April master bedroom and family room, May bathroom and kids room. June storage area. I hope to keep you updated on the progress. 

My Girl

 My oldest (living) daughter made a confession the other day to me....she finds cleaning and organizing calming! I don't know where she came from!! LOL I hate cleaning and organizing! It's truly stressful and overwhelming to me! I have a craft room, which for the last year I have half jokingly called my crap room. The goal of the room is to hold our homeschool supplies/books, and eventually craft in there. I am not a naturally crafty person, but oh so want to be! I enjoy card making, and have successfully made them. I have goals to make scrapbooks of my children, and one day quilt. The immediate goal is to have the room functional again. It was until about a year ago, and honestly I'm not sure what happened, but the kids started tossing things in there, probably in a moment of freaking out clean up before company came (is my guess!!) So my daughter, E and I started working on cleaning and organizing. We worked off and on for a few hours and it's about 1/2-3/4 the way done. We will finish it tomorrow, or E will. I have a bible study with my friend after church and then a leadership meeting at 4 at church. I'm not even sure if I'll be coming home between them. If so, then I'll work on the room, but if not, then E will be at it on her own. 
Once we are done with that room tomorrow, on Monday after she finishes school she's going to start on her old shared room with her sister, so now her sister's room, which is HORRIFIC!! E said that she does not want O in there, she has a plan on how to get the room cleaned and organized. The other night, E and I went to the store and bought totes and storage bins, etc so she can start on that room, then once she's done with that (she thinks it will be a Monday-Friday job, which since she will not be working on it until late afternoon and evening), her taking 5 days seems realistic. I told her I could come and help her and she said, "no, I really prefer to just do it on my own". She's crazy. Once she's finished with O's room, then she wants to organize the boys room. Again, we have totes and storage bins, but I'll probably needs to get a few more storage bins. Once she's done with the boys room, she's moving down to the playroom. I have a label maker on its way for the totes (I had to order the label maker, since none of the stores locally had any, since clearly EVERYONE is labeling everything!). My 17 year old son JT is going to clean the family room. It will be so nice to have everything done. 

I'm hoping that before Christmas my husband will not be working so late (it's harvest season, so he is working late nights!), and can get his area of the basement all cleaned and organized. We have new shelving to go down there. He had TONS of Army stuff down there, so once he gets through that, the basement will look great, then we will start tackling the garage. We have flooring to go up to the attic, where what we keep in the garage will go to, but hopefully  most of what's in the garage will just GO. 

So hopefully this time next year, we will have a cleaned up house, organized, and downsized! 

Pray for us!