Isaiah 40:11

Being a mom is hard.  It's hard physical work, and even more hard emotional work. For me the hardest thing in the world was burying our daughter, after a 14 month battle against AML leukemia, but that doesn't give me a free pass from other hard parenting moments.
We've had so many challenges face us the last year as parents. We've had a child make one bad choice after another and I just found out more challenges, because of selfish choices have been made by this child.
I feel like a constant failure. We've tried to pour Jesus into this child, into all of our children. I was finally feeling like all this junk was behind us, and then discover no, it's not, not even close.
I keep finding myself in tears today, and I know they will not fix this, they won't help, it's my body, my soul's way of dealing with these choices.
I am crying out to Jesus. Begging Him to guide me, most of all guide my child. I want this child's heart focused on Jesus. I want this child of mine, to not feel like mine as much as Christ's.
I need HIS guidance.
The hardest part of all of this, is finding out my husband has kept it all a secret. I found out today, because I came across a card in his car this afternoon and asked him about it. He has been lying to me, keeping this secret of our child's for months. He keeps saying he told our child to tell me, but my thing is, HE, my husband knowingly kept this secret and actively LIED to me for months, and I don't think he'd have ever told me had I not found the card that I did find. We've been through a lot, and I am not sure when I'll be able to trust my husband again or this particular child.
I am sure that God will use this for me to lean on HIM more.

I'm once again led to my life verse, Isaiah 40:11
"He will tend his flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs in His arms; He will carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." 

God's moving

God's working all the time, unfortunately so often we do not pay attention to what he's doing. I truly believe even the most faithful are guilty of that. We get wrapped up in what we're doing, in the here and now, that we miss God trying to get our attention. We're stubborn, controlling, short sighted, the list goes on.
Tonight my husband and I attended a Fundraising dinner for our local Pregnancy Center. It's Christ centered. Life of unborn babies is one of the things I'm passionate about. I used to be pro "choice" but lets just be real here, there is NO choice for the baby, it's pro murder/abortion or pro life, that's your choices! I've driven by the pregnancy center so many times, I can't even tell you. I've prayed for them, but never stopped in. I never inquired more about what they do, until I learned tonight. A few weeks ago our Pastor asked me if we'd be interested in attending. He's a "friend" on facebook, so he KNOWS my stance on Prolife, and I was so excited to say yes!
We listened to various speakers, and the last one talked about what they're fundraising for, as well as needs they have with volunteers. One need is for men to volunteer, to counsel these dad's who walk through the door with their wives, girlfriends, or a woman they got pregnant with! They are often scared, concerned, confused, etc. So often in pregnancy scenario's men are left out. Well that baby did not come into existence without a man contributing and the best chance for a child is to have a dad and a mom in their life.
I felt without a doubt the Lord speaking that my husband should volunteer, I told him that quietly, but didn't push (and let me tell you I AM pushy, controlling, well you get it). I told him I felt led to volunteer and no pressure from me. I don't know what my volunteerism will look like, but it's a part of my heart and I know I should be there. Then my husband said, "I'll do it. I know that's what I should be doing." He didn't say it with dread or anything, just that he knows God is leading him to this ministry.
Will you join me in praying for the JC Pregnancy Center, that the money they need to be able to become independent from the one 30 miles down the road can happen (this is the goal), that volunteers who are supposed to be there, will be there. Pray for our community as a whole, the unwed women who walk in there thinking "abortion", but walk out having being gently ministered to, having had an ultrasound (u/s), having been prayed over (her and her baby), having men in our community step up, being strong and courageous .
God's moving in so many ways in our life right now and sometimes my head just spins thinking about all the things He's doing, but in awesome wonder as we watch it unfold.

Safe Place

I've always wanted my home to be a safe/soft place for my kids and their friends. Over the last few months that's been more and more evident. Tonight one of my oldest sons good friends is staying the night. I don't know all the details of the fight at home, but this 18 year old Senior needed a place, and when he walked in my doors, eyes blood shot from crying, and his frustration and confusion from her anger at him (which we all heard while he was on the phone with my son), my heart ached for him.

Now as a mom of teenagers down to toddlers, I fully admit that I'm that crazy, yelling mom. I will not lie about it. I have been that crazy, screaming, irrational mom, more times than I like to admit. One thing though is that my kids have never found refuge elsewhere. We now at least for tonight have 2, 18 year old boys picking their soft place to fall in my house. I hope for my sons friend, it's just a needed brief diffusion situation and tomorrow he can return home without the drama, and they can calmly talk things out.

We have another who is living with us full time, which has been VERY difficult, and we're learning even more than we already knew the importance of boundaries. Which let me tell you is even more important when you're dealing with an "adult" who is still emotionally around 5 years old, who pouts, who doesn't respect boundaries, who doesn't grasp what seems to be normal common sense. Who is so desperate for a family (more so a dad) that he pushes too hard, too fast and doesn't understand we can't fix his past.

Please pray for "C" who's spending the night tonight and his family, that they all get a needed cooling off period and they can talk things out be work on a healthy relationship between them.
Pray for "J" who's living with us, and we're all adjusting and trying hard.

Day one done. I read Genis 1 & 2 a d Matthew 1. My schedule didn't work as I wanted it to. I watch two brothers regularly, but the last two days I also kept 3 out of the 5 of friends kids while their house was being packed. I also was watching a 9 year old boy, too.  Our morning started off running and I didn't really feel I had time to sit and focus on reading until tonight. Tomorrow we have a field trip 2 hours away, so I'll get my reading on most likely in the early evening or late evening.
Either way, I am in God's word!

Being Accountable

Accountability comes from the Lord. We are all accountable to the Lord, if you're a believer, you should know this. The Lord calls us to be accountable to one another, as well as to Him. Unbelievers, well they (you, if you're reading this) may not grasp that you WILL be held accountable to the Lord, when you die, and lets face the facts, you're accountable to others while you walk this Earth.

I need to be more accountable to the Lord and being IN HIS word daily, actually multiple times a day. Starting tomorrow, I will start my day in HIS word. I want my day to start focused on Him. I want to take a moment mid-day, and get back into his word, and end my day in His word. I have lost focus, I have been dismissive, I've been selfish, thinking that a couple times a week, if that, was all I had time for. The reality is, nothing I do in this life, is more important than walking with the Lord. Nothing is more important than having HIS word written across my heart. Nothing is more important than showing my children, that being in God's word is important.
I have started tonight, reading in Isaiah. I want to let God's word dwell on my heart. I want HIS conviction on my heart. I need to be in His word, to remind me who I am in HIM.
I want to include my children in this. Homeschooling over the years, I've started off well at the beginning of our school years, and then slowly things drop off, and unfortunately our time in God's word is one of them, so starting next week, that's going to change.
I need to find a balance in our life and I know that the Lord will provide the necessary changes we need as mom and teacher. So what I'm asking you is to pray for me, for one. Keep me accountable 2. I want to start blogging daily, to share what I'm reading. Tonight I'm going to find a bible reading app, to help guide me, and one for the kids. The morning reading, I may do 2 actually, one just for me, to set the tone for ME and then another for the kids to set the tone for all of them. The mid-day one will get me over the hump of the mid-day, and finish our school day well, and set the tone for our evening, and the night reading will help me focus on the day, and bring me to the end of my day and sleep.

Well, with that, I'm heading to bed, and will share at some point the various readings I read and prayed over and what I learned. (I'll start with my kids next week).

Update

I was able to get our child who's been having quite a few trials into a wonderful Christian counselor. The counselor said that Christianity and counseling go hand in hand and that with everything he's going to be giving our child tools, that he can't fix things for our child, but with prayer, and tools they're going to be able to equip and counseling should only last a few months.

We've had a lot of changes in our home over the last few weeks, the biggest is that we opened our home up to our oldest child's friend who was in a bad situation at home. Single mom who goes from boyfriend to boyfriend, blamed her son for all her failed relationships (including the abusive boyfriend from a couple years ago! Said if it wasn't for him, that relationship would have worked!! Seriously, you can't make that kind of messed up stuff, up!) So we now have 7 children living in our home. We're all adjusting. Some things have been pretty easy, while other things we're still working on, so feel free to pray if you feel led to for us! I believe we'll all get there, and my husband is filling a roll this young man longs for and I don't believe has ever truly had, a dad/father figure in his life. He's VERY attached to my husband, and I am concerned it's almost too attached, but then I remind myself, he went 18 years without ever having an actual father figure in his life. We're just working on setting up healthy boundaries for him.

The last big thing is our family has started eating Keto. So far I've lost 12 lb, in just over 2 weeks. I'm very proud of myself. It's not been that hard to change our lifestyle. We are trying so many new recipes, which has been fun and most have been well received, and a few, not so much. Tonight's was a huge success! My 2nd son has lost some weight as well, which I'm very proud of him for.
The sugar addiction has been broken and instead of going for chocolate or junk, I go for blackberries or strawberries instead! This is definitely a lifestyle I can stick with for the rest of my life.


Well, it's late and I have to be up in less than 6 hours when my first daycare baby arrives and a couple hours later the other two will be here.

When I became a mother, I never dreamed I'd have a child die of cancer, but she did. I also never imagined that one of my kids would have so many struggles as one of mine has the last year, yet here we are. I feel like such a failure of a mother. I allowed my sweet girl to be injected by vaccines and ultimately get cancer, my ignorance, my fault.
I have watched as my child has struggled and we have fought to help that child. We've watched poor choices, and now that child is dealing with consequences. It hurts so much to see my child hurting. We are now dealing with possible depression and issues that can stem from that. Prayer is our greatest weapon, and I know the Lord has given us other avenues as well to help our child. If you are reading this, please pray.
I also want to give warning that you can have the easiest going kid and discover that there's struggles that you had no idea about.
My husband and I are being as proactive as possible. We have open and constant communication with our child and people in their life that may have influence. Tomorrow phone calls must be made to find more professional help, with hope that we can get our child back. There are no guarantees that even when you have tried to do everything right, your kids can still hurt beyond anything you can control. Even when you raise them to love and trust the Lord, they can feel so alone. Even when you have poured your heart into them, they can still feel like you view them as a failure (even when that's the last thing you think of them).
Pray for your children, be aware that you can't always control their self worth or value, but that it's never too late to help change that recording into their head.