What Do You Do?

 What do you do when you find out a friendship is possibly over, but you are clueless to why. You have reached out, there was response, but no answers were given, just a lot of what feels like empty words. A person who usually has a lot to say and says it well, still says quite a bit, but says very little. I know what I'm saying may be a bit confusing, I'm just working it out, I guess. 
I was told something that says a friendship is over, but I was dumbfounded, since I'd just talked to her, although pretty surface level, nothing felt off, nothing felt "over". We both laughed, my smile was genuine, and I thought hers was as well. But, what I was told makes that all a lie, on her side. In all my life, friends have come and gone, but mostly not over, just literally they moved because of the military. 
I have shared with 2 friends and my husband, and all have said that if she said what I was told, that's on her. If I did something, I WANT to know. I want to know if it's something I could do that maybe needs changed, or if we really are just such polar opposites that this was bound to happen. One friend said, "she's jealous. You have never waivered from who you are." If that's it, I haven't. Through all of the covid mess, I stayed true to my values, I refused to mask up and live in fear. I have never gotten a test and NEVER will. I am against all V's, so clearly not getting that, ever. I do not know and I'm bewildered. 

It's interesting, because there's a friendship that ended many years ago and I had no clue why. But, the last year we connected again. She told me she was going through infertility and although she loved me and my family, it hurt her none the less, so she ended the friendship and because she said she felt ashamed, she couldn't tell me why. Praise God, he's healed so much of her hurt, and God is doing things to grow their family. I missed her, and I love her and I'm so glad we've found our way back to each other. It was also a huge relief to know the why, and although I do not know her pain, it's understandable to me. 

So I'm here, feeling sad that a friendship seems to have ended, but who knows it could just be paused and something we have to figure out down the road. 

I'm now just working on being gentle with myself as we have a busy few weeks and Mother's Day will be 22 years since my beautiful girl went Home to Heaven.  Every 8 years, the anniversary of her death lands on Mother's Day. We have been invited to celebrate a friends husband's and one of her child's birthday's with a BBQ at the local lake. I shared with her what the day is for me, and she said she understands, and is good with understanding I may not know until that day. I'm so grateful for people in my life that just understand that and don't push. Don't try to guilt me into doing things that may simply be too hard. Who get that, I may be okay and happy for the distraction or that I'll be lucky to get out of bed. This year for her birthday, I literally stayed in bed, almost all day. I just was so over whelmed in sadness I couldn't get out of bed, until later in the day. 

I am glad I'm back here and writing. It's therapeutic.