When I became a mother, I never dreamed I'd have a child die of cancer, but she did. I also never imagined that one of my kids would have so many struggles as one of mine has the last year, yet here we are. I feel like such a failure of a mother. I allowed my sweet girl to be injected by vaccines and ultimately get cancer, my ignorance, my fault.
I have watched as my child has struggled and we have fought to help that child. We've watched poor choices, and now that child is dealing with consequences. It hurts so much to see my child hurting. We are now dealing with possible depression and issues that can stem from that. Prayer is our greatest weapon, and I know the Lord has given us other avenues as well to help our child. If you are reading this, please pray.
I also want to give warning that you can have the easiest going kid and discover that there's struggles that you had no idea about.
My husband and I are being as proactive as possible. We have open and constant communication with our child and people in their life that may have influence. Tomorrow phone calls must be made to find more professional help, with hope that we can get our child back. There are no guarantees that even when you have tried to do everything right, your kids can still hurt beyond anything you can control. Even when you raise them to love and trust the Lord, they can feel so alone. Even when you have poured your heart into them, they can still feel like you view them as a failure (even when that's the last thing you think of them).
Pray for your children, be aware that you can't always control their self worth or value, but that it's never too late to help change that recording into their head.

Prayers for big changes or not

My husband and I have a big decision to make. He was given the opportunity to have his name put in for a year long job, that will take him to Alaska, his dream. There are obviously multiple pro's and cons. The biggest cons are that he'd be away from us for a year and that next school year is our oldest sons Senior year, so he'd miss out on that time. Everything would be on me, everything. It'd be like a deployment in many manners, except for the fact that he'd still be in the United States, wouldn't have anyone shooting at him, and we'd get to talk to him daily, just have to adjust to the time difference.

The pro's are we'd have our house paid off by the time he came home, because he'd be making over double what he makes now and we'd use that paycheck and pay off the house. I wouldn't need to use the full paycheck, just 98% of it for the house payment (to get it paid off in the year) so we could build our savings account, which would be great. I'd be able to afford to buy us a used 12 or 15 passenger van, that would be so helpful for our family.


Please join me in praying for discernment as we go to the Lord and seek his will for us in this decision. We want to be obedient and truly hear Him.
I don't want to say no, if the Lord has placed this opportunity in front of us. I also don't want to say yes, because I see it as a way to pay off a major thing (our house).
I know it will be hard on our children if he goes, and honestly I worry the most about my teenagers, especially our oldest, knowing our time is so very limited with him.

I know the Lord often places hard decisions in front of us, so we will seek Him more, depend on Him and not on ourselves.

It matters

How we speak to others matters. I am so guilty of using ugly tones with my kids, my husband, and at times other people. I know I have had ugly tones towards me, and it hurts me, it's embarrassing, and breaks a piece of my heart, especially when it comes from someone I love and loves me.
Through that pain, conviction sets in hopefully for both. Today my husband spoke harshly to me after church, in front of a few others after I asked him a questions for the 2nd time. I didn't think he had heard me the first time, so I asked him again.

He's apologized, and I believe he was sincere, but my pride has not allowed me to speak the words, "I forgive you" and I know I must and must immediately. We had a guest Preacher today and one thing he talked about was forgiveness. The thing is, forgiveness is such a precious gift. God forgives us, through the Cross. We are called to forgive others who trespass against us, and it's not just for them, sometimes it's not for them at all, it's for us. When we don't forgive, we let the anger, the hurt, the sadness take over our heart. We allow a temporary feeling take over and become more and more permanent.I don't know about you, but I do not want to be held captive to feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, etc.

"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity!" Psalm 133:1

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Probvers 15:1

God's word is full of wisdom and conviction, how blessed are we to have such a wise and good Father.

I'm off to give forgiveness and ask for it, for my pride.

Sixteen years ago

I remember this night so very clearly. I was still grieving so deeply over the death our beautiful Jordyn, but here I was about to give birth in a few short hours to our 2nd child, our first son, Jacob. Jacob was going to be born on my Great Grandma C's birthday. She had 81 Grandchildren (Great, and Great-Great included in that number and Jacob was a Great-Great), she'd waiting 91 years to have a grandchild born on her birthday!
I was up packing, and repacking my hospital bag. Watching tv, playing online, talking to my best friend, pacing the floor, rocking in my chair, and praying. I was filled with nerves. I was absolutely terrified I would not be able to love this new baby the way I wanted and the way he deserved.
Morning came quickly, I think I may have gotten about 2 hours of sleep, maybe. We were up and out the door around 5:30, ready to get my IV put in, and prepped for my C-section, and welcome this little man into the world.
My fears of being able to love him well disappeared the moment I heard his cries that he'd entered this world. I was in love instantly. Chad and I held him and once I was out of recovery and back to my room, we were greeted by my parents, my Great Aunts and Uncles, and my Great Grandma, who was meeting her Birthday boy, the greatest gift and answer to prayers for my sweet Grandma. She was the first to hold him after Chad and I, and she was instantly in love with him.

Jacob healed my heart in so many ways. I had no idea what the Lord was doing when I found out I was pregnant with Jacob, I was determined that I would not be able to love another child after the death of Jordyn. My heart ached beyond measure. Grief did not stop when Jacob was born, but it softened. I praise Jesus for the gift of Jacob. I praise God that for the last 16 years, he's showed me how to love deeply, laugh fully, cry with my soul, and live completely.

Isaiah 40:11 (ESV)
"He tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young. "

Happy Birthday, Jacob. I can't believe you're 16 years old, but I am so grateful for every single day of the last 16 years. You are a blessing to me and I love you so much.