Love....hurts

Sometimes the people who should love us the most, hurt us the most. Our parents, even as adults should provide a soft place to fall, but instead are a bed of thorns. I don't even think they know what or how they have hurt me, even when I have said how. They just don't see it. When I'm told something that's just not true, and when I see how many time my kids have been hurt with the double standards. When I look at how my parents don't miss anything my nieces do, but more often than not can't manage to make it to things my kids do, it's a slap in the face. For years I heard their guilt tripping that if we weren't in Germany they could be part of my kids lives. Well, we've been back for 10 years. They never saw J1 play any of the sports he played, except baseball practice when they visited us in Germany and he was 5 and J2 was 3. J1 played High school football for 4 years, Wrestling 3 years, and baseball for 2 years (and summer baseball for 3 or 4 years). J 2 they watched one of his football games, that he played on a homeschool league, and they played their last game 30 minutes from them, so they came). E played softball for years, they never came to a single one of her games. They have watched her dance recitals, most years although 3 or 4 they have chosen other things were more important to them than to watch E & O's recital. They've never watched O play softball, they did come to 1 of her soccer games last year, along with N2's soccer game (same day, they had 2 games each, so they watched one game per kid). They never watched N 1 play football or baseball, which he doesn't play anymore. N2 they have watched when he played Tball his 1st year playing, went to one soccer game, and one flag football game, and they came today to watch him wrestle, because the tournament was in the town they live closest to (they live in the country). The thing is, that with my nieces, my mom gets their schedule either from the school or their summer schedule she asks for it. My kids, unless I tell them and ask if they want to come, it doesn't seem to even dawn on them to come.  
I am done trying to have them be somewhat involved grandparents to my kids. They're not interested, and I can't make them WANT to be in my kids lives. I know my mom calls my nieces, and I know she DOES NOT call my kids. Three of my kids have their own phones, 2 are adults. The only time they call them is on their birthdays. The only time they're texted is when they want Christmas ideas. 

It HURTS, deeply. I don't believe this is how things should be. I don't believe this is what God wants. I know that we often learn and grow the most from our painful times, and I can already SEE what God is allowing me to learn/teaching me. What to do and not to do with my own kids, including or maybe especially my adult kids. What do do and not to do with my future grandchildren. I NEVER want my kids to feel like they're not important to me. I NEVER want my kids to feel like I favor one grandchild (or grandkids) over another. I want them to feel they're each important and special to me. I want them to each have their own relationship with me, I want them to feel safe, loved, and enjoy coming to my house. I'm learning what I want as a relationship with my kids as adults, which I have 2 of so far, and in a blink of an eye will have many. 

So, I'm here trying to learn lessons that God is teaching me, through hurt and heartbreak (far more than I've shared here). I've cried more than I care to admit or share. If you're reading this, please pray, because I'm truly hurting. 

 Last night I started on another goal. I have a goal of walking 50 miles a month. I walk on average 2 to 3 miles a day, so if I do that daily I will be walking on average 56-60 miles a month. I'm going to be also listening to my body when it comes to eating. My initial plan was to fast during the day and eat once a day, and I may switch to that, but I'm currently sitting here at almost 1 PM and my stomach is growling, so I'm am going to eat a small lunch. I want to of course drop weight, but more importantly, I want to be healthy. I want to be a good example to my kids on how to treat their bodies. 
I have already done my daily Bible reading and daily Bible verse writing, so feeling good at these accomplishments! 

We started back up at school today, as well. I'm having my kids learn to write in cursive. My 10 year old has some of the most beautiful handwriting I've ever seen in general, much less in a 10 year old. My 12 year old sons is a bit lacking, but it's getting there! My 7 year old will start cursive in a couple months, we're still working on manuscript. I think having a solid foundation in both script and cursive is important. I am looking forward to this spring semester and what we're going to be learning together and individually. My younger 3 do History together and we're starting on Anatomy, they are all at different levels of course, and that's the beauty of homeschooling. They can learn together, while being on their own level at the same time! Math they do individually, and they all read on their own levels as well. 
I'm debating on if I'll share pictures of my kids here. I haven't since I started this particular blog. I have never even shared their names. At this point I'll just share their initial and since some of my kids share the same first letter in their first name, I'll add a 1, 2, or 3. 
So let me "introduce my kids! 
J-1 is our oldest, our daughter who died when she was 2 from AML leukemia. She was smart, sweet, kind, funny, and absolutely beautiful. J-2 is our oldest son, he's 21, lives on his own with his dog, and is a Diesel Technician. He's funny, smart, stubborn, determined, a very hard worker, and a handsome kid if I say so myself!  He was quite the surprise for my husband and myself! We found out only 8 days after J1 went home to Heaven that I was pregnant with him. J3 is our 2nd son, and is 19. He lives on his own as well, and is currently trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. He's getting to deal with some hard, but necessary life lessons. He's a smart young man, but is also very stubborn, and I see the Lord teaching him through that stubborn streak. He's very close to dad/my husband. He's got a beautiful heart, and is a tall and handsome guy, too. I look forward to seeing what God does with his future! E is our 15 year old daughter. We prayed she would be a girl during my pregnancy, as we were emotionally ready for another daughter. God was so kind in allowing us this answer to prayer. She's kind, quiet, a lover of books, photography, very smart, beautiful, hilarious, loves her rabbits, and is very good with kids, she does not do drama and avoids it if at all possible, loves to dance and is a beautiful dancer, and has a gorgeous singing voice. N-1 is 12. He's quiet, but can also be very loud. He's hilarious in that unsuspecting way. He loves video games, he's ridiculously smart in math, is in the stage of life where he loves to tease his siblings. He's very smart, sometimes I think, too smart. He has said in the past that he wants to be a Missionary. I have no idea if he will, but I do believe he's going to move in great ways for God's Kingdom! Let me just say, I don't have ugly kids! LOL 
O is 10 and my Sassy, funny, sweet, talented dancer, beautiful girl. She's almost always smiling and laughing. Has recently discovered a love of reading, loves to draw. She definitely is her own true self. As much as E doesn't like drama, O seems to invite it in. Part of it is her age, and part of it is her personality, oh and she's beautiful! 
N 2 is my baby. He's 7. He loves Lego's and Nerf guns, and has no fear in him. He's the first of my children to break a bone (which is not to say that my others haven't been to the ER for suspected broken bones in the past!). He loves to play sports, loves to be read to, and has possibly been pampered to a bit more than his siblings, by me and dad, and well his siblings, too! He's hilarious and will say the funniest things. He can be a bit lazy when doing certain tasks, but we're working on that. He definitely was a surprised blessing that I thank GOD for! 
My husband C and I have been married for 25 years. He was in the Army for 20 (we married 3 years into his career). We lived in Kansas 3 times,  Washington DC, Northern Virginia, and Germany twice. We're now retired from the Army and settled in Central Kansas. I grew up in N.E. Kansas and hope to one day live there again. 

That about catches you up on us. 

New Year, New Goals....

 New year and new goals. I don't make resolutions, but I do have goals set. One is to blog more often. I'm also reading my Bible through this year. I did this a couple of years ago and am looking forward to doing so again. 
I'm looking for a new devotional, but am looking for a Biblically sound one and that's not very easy to find. Over the last couple of years I've worked hard to be more discerning in Biblical reading. I want to make sure the devotion I read is solid. (Feel free to send suggestions, so I can research). 
I am not only reading through the Bible this year, I'm going to be doing daily Bible verse coping and working on memorizing a Bible verse a week. Now, I say that, being behind in the memorization, already. I will be starting that tomorrow, but will work on 2 short verses one week this year, so I can memorize 52 verses. 
I have struggled for years in memorizing Bible verses and that frustrates me, as my kids do it with AWANA and I have worked with AWANA for 18 years. I have a few memorized, John 3:16 of course, but I'm going to do this. I will be writing my verse on Index cards, yes multiple. I will be taping them in my bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, and keeping one in the living room as well. Please will you pray that the Lord will help me in this. I truly believe God wants all of us to know HIS word inside and out, and although I God's word, to have it truly hidden in my heart and be able to pull it out anytime, would be such a blessing. 

If you're interested in writing out verses, here's what I'm using for January: 

I started off late on this as well, but am all caught up and actually a day ahead, because we have a busy Sunday, with church, Missions, and a New Years Potluck and Prayer time. 
My goal this year beyond anything else, is to be fully in God's word, between reading through the Bible, writing out verses, and memorizing verses. God is so good. He's so good to me, and I know I can do nothing FOR HIM, but I can do this to bring praise to HIM.