Isaiah 40:11

Being a mom is hard.  It's hard physical work, and even more hard emotional work. For me the hardest thing in the world was burying our daughter, after a 14 month battle against AML leukemia, but that doesn't give me a free pass from other hard parenting moments.
We've had so many challenges face us the last year as parents. We've had a child make one bad choice after another and I just found out more challenges, because of selfish choices have been made by this child.
I feel like a constant failure. We've tried to pour Jesus into this child, into all of our children. I was finally feeling like all this junk was behind us, and then discover no, it's not, not even close.
I keep finding myself in tears today, and I know they will not fix this, they won't help, it's my body, my soul's way of dealing with these choices.
I am crying out to Jesus. Begging Him to guide me, most of all guide my child. I want this child's heart focused on Jesus. I want this child of mine, to not feel like mine as much as Christ's.
I need HIS guidance.
The hardest part of all of this, is finding out my husband has kept it all a secret. I found out today, because I came across a card in his car this afternoon and asked him about it. He has been lying to me, keeping this secret of our child's for months. He keeps saying he told our child to tell me, but my thing is, HE, my husband knowingly kept this secret and actively LIED to me for months, and I don't think he'd have ever told me had I not found the card that I did find. We've been through a lot, and I am not sure when I'll be able to trust my husband again or this particular child.
I am sure that God will use this for me to lean on HIM more.

I'm once again led to my life verse, Isaiah 40:11
"He will tend his flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs in His arms; He will carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." 

God's moving

God's working all the time, unfortunately so often we do not pay attention to what he's doing. I truly believe even the most faithful are guilty of that. We get wrapped up in what we're doing, in the here and now, that we miss God trying to get our attention. We're stubborn, controlling, short sighted, the list goes on.
Tonight my husband and I attended a Fundraising dinner for our local Pregnancy Center. It's Christ centered. Life of unborn babies is one of the things I'm passionate about. I used to be pro "choice" but lets just be real here, there is NO choice for the baby, it's pro murder/abortion or pro life, that's your choices! I've driven by the pregnancy center so many times, I can't even tell you. I've prayed for them, but never stopped in. I never inquired more about what they do, until I learned tonight. A few weeks ago our Pastor asked me if we'd be interested in attending. He's a "friend" on facebook, so he KNOWS my stance on Prolife, and I was so excited to say yes!
We listened to various speakers, and the last one talked about what they're fundraising for, as well as needs they have with volunteers. One need is for men to volunteer, to counsel these dad's who walk through the door with their wives, girlfriends, or a woman they got pregnant with! They are often scared, concerned, confused, etc. So often in pregnancy scenario's men are left out. Well that baby did not come into existence without a man contributing and the best chance for a child is to have a dad and a mom in their life.
I felt without a doubt the Lord speaking that my husband should volunteer, I told him that quietly, but didn't push (and let me tell you I AM pushy, controlling, well you get it). I told him I felt led to volunteer and no pressure from me. I don't know what my volunteerism will look like, but it's a part of my heart and I know I should be there. Then my husband said, "I'll do it. I know that's what I should be doing." He didn't say it with dread or anything, just that he knows God is leading him to this ministry.
Will you join me in praying for the JC Pregnancy Center, that the money they need to be able to become independent from the one 30 miles down the road can happen (this is the goal), that volunteers who are supposed to be there, will be there. Pray for our community as a whole, the unwed women who walk in there thinking "abortion", but walk out having being gently ministered to, having had an ultrasound (u/s), having been prayed over (her and her baby), having men in our community step up, being strong and courageous .
God's moving in so many ways in our life right now and sometimes my head just spins thinking about all the things He's doing, but in awesome wonder as we watch it unfold.

Safe Place

I've always wanted my home to be a safe/soft place for my kids and their friends. Over the last few months that's been more and more evident. Tonight one of my oldest sons good friends is staying the night. I don't know all the details of the fight at home, but this 18 year old Senior needed a place, and when he walked in my doors, eyes blood shot from crying, and his frustration and confusion from her anger at him (which we all heard while he was on the phone with my son), my heart ached for him.

Now as a mom of teenagers down to toddlers, I fully admit that I'm that crazy, yelling mom. I will not lie about it. I have been that crazy, screaming, irrational mom, more times than I like to admit. One thing though is that my kids have never found refuge elsewhere. We now at least for tonight have 2, 18 year old boys picking their soft place to fall in my house. I hope for my sons friend, it's just a needed brief diffusion situation and tomorrow he can return home without the drama, and they can calmly talk things out.

We have another who is living with us full time, which has been VERY difficult, and we're learning even more than we already knew the importance of boundaries. Which let me tell you is even more important when you're dealing with an "adult" who is still emotionally around 5 years old, who pouts, who doesn't respect boundaries, who doesn't grasp what seems to be normal common sense. Who is so desperate for a family (more so a dad) that he pushes too hard, too fast and doesn't understand we can't fix his past.

Please pray for "C" who's spending the night tonight and his family, that they all get a needed cooling off period and they can talk things out be work on a healthy relationship between them.
Pray for "J" who's living with us, and we're all adjusting and trying hard.