I don't know why blogging is such a come and go thing for me. I will say I have quite a few unpublished posts, mostly because after I wrote them, I found that it was just too private, too painful, or still just working through all my feelings to put it out there.
I am quite a private person in many areas of my life. I am also quite open in my opinions, and truly what you see is what you get. If I will write it online, I'll say it to your face in person. With that though, there are subjects that I don't share much about. My kids, there are things I will share, but there are things that outside of my parents or best friends, I will not share about.
I don't share about finances. I hope it's not pride, I just don't feel most the time it's appropriate to share about finances. I've shared again with those closest to me, but I rarely give in-depth details, honestly I can only recall 3 times that I've shared with my best friends great details. I guess I've watched those who struggle go on about it and those who are more well to do talk about it to a point that it feels like bragging, so I just don't share. I rarely, if ever talk about disagreements I have with my friends.
So with that, I'm sharing something that's more private. The last 6 weeks I've not spoken beyond a few texts and FB messages with one of my best friends. We had a difference of opinion on a subject, misunderstandings abounded on both sides. It's been awful. My heart broke, and every day the emptiness I can't explain. I can't explain how many times I wanted to call her, and stopped myself, but that's changing this week. I miss my friend, who I love and her family. I refuse to let pride and hurt ruin our friendship. I have a small circle of close friends and to have this one so fragile, someone I often talk to multiple times a weeks, sometimes multiple times a day, who's been a life line for me for the last 17 years, who prays for and with me, that's not a friendship I can just let go of.
I have let other friendships go over the years, and for the most part, I believe they had ran their course, and they ended for clear reasons, sometimes I ended the relationship and other times the other person did. There are some friendships that are meant to last and fight for though.
Monday, December 9, 2019
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
Truth Be Told
I have "friends" plenty of them, but I am not actually important to any of them. They take what they want, then hang up or walk away.
My phone rings, and I can be on the line for an hour and if I spoke 5 minutes out of that 60, that's pushing it. What I don't say to others is that I understand very clearly that I am not important. They'll listen to a few things, but it always and I do mean ALWAYS turns back to them.
I'm tired of feeling unimportant, and that my thoughts don't matter.
It's not just 1 friend, it's all of them. I also see the common denominator, it's me. I don't understand why with everyone I get to be the listener, but not to be listened to, outside of a few minutes.
I also am tired of being out on the back burner, especially when it comes to my best friends.
I don't work outside of the home, so my job is not nearly as important, and my ministry doesn't exist. I don't share the 5-10 messages asking me to pray for people every day, because I am asked to please keep it to myself. I am so burdened for those who I pray for, but I guess since I do this on my own, it's not important.
I don't depend on others to educate my children, so my struggles withy kids and school doesn't matter.
I am TIRED of not being important to anyone. I am TIRED of not being enough. I am mad. I am mad that it seems only some get to express their opinion and when I do, it's turned into a personal attack, never mind that they were never even in my thought process.
I already know I have depression. I already know I have anger issues. I already know that I am NOT important to most people who would claim I am. Guess what, it's a freaking LIE. When someone is important to you, they reach out, and call just to ask how YOU are and don't turn every single conversation to them. Maybe I am wrong. I am wrong constantly, but at this point, I am sick of always being the listener and never getting listened to.
The last 2 years have sucked, and no one cares. NO ONE that walks on this Earth. It sucks that I sit here crying, because I know that no one actually cares about me.
I think it's time I just accept it.
My best friend can't bother to ever visit me and my other can't be bothered to stop talking and listen to me.
I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Sad that the only person who listens to me, I have to pay.
My phone rings, and I can be on the line for an hour and if I spoke 5 minutes out of that 60, that's pushing it. What I don't say to others is that I understand very clearly that I am not important. They'll listen to a few things, but it always and I do mean ALWAYS turns back to them.
I'm tired of feeling unimportant, and that my thoughts don't matter.
It's not just 1 friend, it's all of them. I also see the common denominator, it's me. I don't understand why with everyone I get to be the listener, but not to be listened to, outside of a few minutes.
I also am tired of being out on the back burner, especially when it comes to my best friends.
I don't work outside of the home, so my job is not nearly as important, and my ministry doesn't exist. I don't share the 5-10 messages asking me to pray for people every day, because I am asked to please keep it to myself. I am so burdened for those who I pray for, but I guess since I do this on my own, it's not important.
I don't depend on others to educate my children, so my struggles withy kids and school doesn't matter.
I am TIRED of not being important to anyone. I am TIRED of not being enough. I am mad. I am mad that it seems only some get to express their opinion and when I do, it's turned into a personal attack, never mind that they were never even in my thought process.
I already know I have depression. I already know I have anger issues. I already know that I am NOT important to most people who would claim I am. Guess what, it's a freaking LIE. When someone is important to you, they reach out, and call just to ask how YOU are and don't turn every single conversation to them. Maybe I am wrong. I am wrong constantly, but at this point, I am sick of always being the listener and never getting listened to.
The last 2 years have sucked, and no one cares. NO ONE that walks on this Earth. It sucks that I sit here crying, because I know that no one actually cares about me.
I think it's time I just accept it.
My best friend can't bother to ever visit me and my other can't be bothered to stop talking and listen to me.
I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Sad that the only person who listens to me, I have to pay.
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Growing Wings and Flying
Our goal as parents is to raise our children and have them spread their wings and fly and I have done that now. I have dreaded this day for the last couple of years, the closer we got the more I dreaded it, and as the months dwindled down, the tears came easier and easier and now he's gone. Our oldest son and 2nd oldest left last Saturday afternoon, they went to Colorado to see my oldest sons friend who moved back to Colorado the day after they graduated HS, they spent the night, he had to get a new tire (which sucked since he just got new tires not long ago), then the long drive from Fort Collins to Phoenix, with an unintended trip into Vail lol and him saying "We do NOT belong here"! LOL
My mom and I left the day after/Sunday and we had the delusional idea we could drive straight through, but thankfully by 9 that night (after leaving at 6 AM) we stopped and stayed at a wonderful hotel in New Mexico. We had stopped at various places throughout our first day, and on Monday I saw signs for the Petrified Forest, so we went there and oh how beautiful!! If you are ever in New Mexico, you need to go! What's wonderful is you get some of the painted desert and petrified forest! It's beautiful, and just such a masterpiece of God!!
We arrived in Phoenix Monday night, and my boys arrived 30 minutes after we did. The following day my oldest and I went to his school (UTI) took care of some things, dropped off his belongings that my mom and I brought down for him (his car is small and he couldn't bring much in his car), then back to the condo. My son and his girlfriend came over and we all had dinner and the kids went swimming, well my boys went swimming, the pool was absolutely freezing and so his gf got in and got right back out (smartly lol).
Wednesday my mom and I went to the Botanical Garden in Phoenix and it was hot, but so beautiful. They had just opened up the butterfly house and there were so many butterflies in there! It was beautiful!! Although it was 95 degree's we were so glad we went. We didn't see all of it, but next year when our son graduates, we will be back and wonderfully as we left, we took a short survey and got 2 free tickets (each) that do not expire, so when my husband and other kids come down we can all go back, and see the whole thing!
Thursday my mom and I did some shopping, had a pedicure and manicure, then back to the condo to start packing things up, loading her vehicle, the boys had spent the day together, then both stayed at the condo for the night. It struck me as I was getting ready for bed that night, it was the last night that my oldest would sleep under the same roof as me until the week of Christmas.
We were up early the next morning (I woke up around 5:30 without my alarm going off!) showered, dressed, and woke the boys up at 6, then we were off to the Grand Canyon which was 3 1/2 hours North! The boys followed me and my mom up there. It was a wonderful day, and seeing the Grand Canyon was amazing!
There are no words to describe how beautiful it was and just more examples of God's amazing wonders that He's created!! I was brought to tears by the Painted Desert and Petrified Forest, but the Grand Canyon was just truly beyond words and I was so overwhelmed with emotions. My oldest had been there the summer before, but we went to different areas than what he had seen the year before and we were all just overwhelmed at the beauty!
5:30 we were leaving the park, and drove my son to his car and the tears freely flowed. Saying see you later was so hard. We were ALL crying, hugging, kissing him on the cheek, more hugs, lots more tears, and I had him drive away first, because I couldn't "leave" him. I just couldn't bring myself to do that. I needed him to go and watch his car drive ahead of me. We talked off and on, on his drive back to Phoenix.
We got stuck in traffic just trying to get to Flagstaff. They were tearing down a bridge, so we were eventually forced into one lane (I can't even describe how many semi's were in the mess!) I didn't go more than 5 mph for an HOUR! IT sucked! LOL We got to the bridge, drove up the exit, straight down it, after that it was smooth driving, we drove a couple more hours and then found a motel to crash at for the night. We were all exhausted. We were up by 6 the next morning, dressed, and off to head home. We stopped a few times, and got home at 1:40 AM. I was wiped out. My mom stayed at my house and got up Sunday morning and drove home. I slept in, then took a 3 hour nap with my youngest! Talked to our oldest a couple times on the phone and via text!
It doesn't really feel real that he's really gone yet, I think when he's not home next week it will really hit me, that this is truly REAL. Our family is changing. He's grown and flown. He has said he wants to move back to Kansas after he finishes school, and I'm praying he does. He's thinking around Kansas City. A lot depends on him getting a job and where that is. My cousin was in Phoenix Tuesday-Thursday and we had dinner with him on Wednesday. He gave my son his card and a card for a company that he works with, that may hire my son, if it works with his school schedule. It's in his field that he's planning on going into, so that would be great for him. He's a very hard worker and when he left his job from this summer, his boss tried to talk him into staying. That says a lot, considering he was hired as harvest help, and he told him that if he moves back, just come in and he'll have a job. (It's not in his future field of work, but what a great compliment!)
The Painted Desert
Painted Desert
Painted Desert
Petrified Forest
Petrified Forest
Petrified Forest/Painted Desert
Son #2 at Grand Canyon
Son #2 and #1 at Grand Canyon
#2 and #1 at Grand Canyon
Grand Canyon
My mom and I left the day after/Sunday and we had the delusional idea we could drive straight through, but thankfully by 9 that night (after leaving at 6 AM) we stopped and stayed at a wonderful hotel in New Mexico. We had stopped at various places throughout our first day, and on Monday I saw signs for the Petrified Forest, so we went there and oh how beautiful!! If you are ever in New Mexico, you need to go! What's wonderful is you get some of the painted desert and petrified forest! It's beautiful, and just such a masterpiece of God!!
We arrived in Phoenix Monday night, and my boys arrived 30 minutes after we did. The following day my oldest and I went to his school (UTI) took care of some things, dropped off his belongings that my mom and I brought down for him (his car is small and he couldn't bring much in his car), then back to the condo. My son and his girlfriend came over and we all had dinner and the kids went swimming, well my boys went swimming, the pool was absolutely freezing and so his gf got in and got right back out (smartly lol).
Wednesday my mom and I went to the Botanical Garden in Phoenix and it was hot, but so beautiful. They had just opened up the butterfly house and there were so many butterflies in there! It was beautiful!! Although it was 95 degree's we were so glad we went. We didn't see all of it, but next year when our son graduates, we will be back and wonderfully as we left, we took a short survey and got 2 free tickets (each) that do not expire, so when my husband and other kids come down we can all go back, and see the whole thing!
Thursday my mom and I did some shopping, had a pedicure and manicure, then back to the condo to start packing things up, loading her vehicle, the boys had spent the day together, then both stayed at the condo for the night. It struck me as I was getting ready for bed that night, it was the last night that my oldest would sleep under the same roof as me until the week of Christmas.
We were up early the next morning (I woke up around 5:30 without my alarm going off!) showered, dressed, and woke the boys up at 6, then we were off to the Grand Canyon which was 3 1/2 hours North! The boys followed me and my mom up there. It was a wonderful day, and seeing the Grand Canyon was amazing!
There are no words to describe how beautiful it was and just more examples of God's amazing wonders that He's created!! I was brought to tears by the Painted Desert and Petrified Forest, but the Grand Canyon was just truly beyond words and I was so overwhelmed with emotions. My oldest had been there the summer before, but we went to different areas than what he had seen the year before and we were all just overwhelmed at the beauty!
5:30 we were leaving the park, and drove my son to his car and the tears freely flowed. Saying see you later was so hard. We were ALL crying, hugging, kissing him on the cheek, more hugs, lots more tears, and I had him drive away first, because I couldn't "leave" him. I just couldn't bring myself to do that. I needed him to go and watch his car drive ahead of me. We talked off and on, on his drive back to Phoenix.
We got stuck in traffic just trying to get to Flagstaff. They were tearing down a bridge, so we were eventually forced into one lane (I can't even describe how many semi's were in the mess!) I didn't go more than 5 mph for an HOUR! IT sucked! LOL We got to the bridge, drove up the exit, straight down it, after that it was smooth driving, we drove a couple more hours and then found a motel to crash at for the night. We were all exhausted. We were up by 6 the next morning, dressed, and off to head home. We stopped a few times, and got home at 1:40 AM. I was wiped out. My mom stayed at my house and got up Sunday morning and drove home. I slept in, then took a 3 hour nap with my youngest! Talked to our oldest a couple times on the phone and via text!
It doesn't really feel real that he's really gone yet, I think when he's not home next week it will really hit me, that this is truly REAL. Our family is changing. He's grown and flown. He has said he wants to move back to Kansas after he finishes school, and I'm praying he does. He's thinking around Kansas City. A lot depends on him getting a job and where that is. My cousin was in Phoenix Tuesday-Thursday and we had dinner with him on Wednesday. He gave my son his card and a card for a company that he works with, that may hire my son, if it works with his school schedule. It's in his field that he's planning on going into, so that would be great for him. He's a very hard worker and when he left his job from this summer, his boss tried to talk him into staying. That says a lot, considering he was hired as harvest help, and he told him that if he moves back, just come in and he'll have a job. (It's not in his future field of work, but what a great compliment!)
So here we are. My oldest living baby has started his first steps into true adulthood. He's moved over 1,000 miles away, starts school next week, will hopefully start a job next week, he moves into his apartment tomorrow. I HATE that I'm not going to be there for his orientation and helping him move in and get settled into his apartment, but this is what it is.
I am just praying that he seeks the Lord, leans on HIM, and that his relationship with Jesus will continue to grow. He's had a rough 2 years, making some very bad choices, suffered the consequences of those decisions, and this weekend. 3 of his classmates made a horrible decision and one was shot in the chest and most likely is paralyzed from the chest down, while his cousin and friend and possibly him and another kid will most likely be going to prison. These are all kids who had the world in the palm of their hands. Two were ridiculously talented football players, college football players. A stupid decision and now their lives as they knew it are over. Please join me in praying for them all. Most of all for this young man who was shot, but also for the others.
I am just praying that he seeks the Lord, leans on HIM, and that his relationship with Jesus will continue to grow. He's had a rough 2 years, making some very bad choices, suffered the consequences of those decisions, and this weekend. 3 of his classmates made a horrible decision and one was shot in the chest and most likely is paralyzed from the chest down, while his cousin and friend and possibly him and another kid will most likely be going to prison. These are all kids who had the world in the palm of their hands. Two were ridiculously talented football players, college football players. A stupid decision and now their lives as they knew it are over. Please join me in praying for them all. Most of all for this young man who was shot, but also for the others.
Grand Canyon
Blessings......
Thursday, September 5, 2019
Getting Help
I took a big step for me a few weeks ago and made an appointment for myself to see a therapist. In a town about 30 minutes away is a counseling center that's a CHRISTIAN counseling center. I like my therapist. I saw her last week and I saw her yesterday as well. I am already making progress. My 16 year old son and I have had honestly a horrible relationship for the last 4 years. Last week, we had a major breakthrough. I wish I could explain just how amazing it was. Both of us were crying, many apologies were said, wrongs were admitted, and love was shown and given from each of us. We have both had such hard hearts towards one another for so long, I didn't know if our relationship would ever be repaired. Let me tell you we have a great, big GOD!! HE has changed our relationship so drastically! I do have to remind myself to talk kindly to him, because to be brutally honest, when you have not talked kindly to someone for 4 years, it takes reminding oneself to talk kindly more often!
I have a lot of things to work through, but thankfully I will work through it and with God guiding me, I truly believe I will find my peace in the Lord once again, and peace in me.
I have a lot of things to work through, but thankfully I will work through it and with God guiding me, I truly believe I will find my peace in the Lord once again, and peace in me.
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
Finding Help
I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday morning. I hope it will help. I am positive I am dealing with depression at the very least. I can be around people who say they are my friend and still feel so lonely. I truly feel like I cannot be fully honest with anyone, and share what is going on with me, because to be bluntly honest, I am scared of their reaction.
I have been dealing with my feelings by eating, over eating, and eating all the wrong stuff.
One thing I have changed this week is my eating. I am eating cottage cheese for breakfast and lunch, snacking on carrots, and having a sensible, low complex carb dinner. So far I have lost 7 lbs since Monday. I am working out and walking and do feel better when I do that, so those are two positive changes and knowing I am going to have someone to talk to and hopefully work through this depression with. I am also going to try to treat this depression naturally. I do not trust pharmaceuticals and believe they do more harm than good. I am going start with Liver Cod oil and proceed from there.
I still feel far from the Lord, bit I continue to pray, continue to read HIS word, and write out my Bible verse daily.
One area that has hurt me to the core is my relationship with my oldest. The plan was to go with him to Arizona to set up his apartment. My mom and sister in law going as well, and we would use the week to hang out together as well. He told me he doesn't want us to go. He has stomped on my heart. I have also decided that since he made it very clear he wants separation that I will not be purchasing a ticket for him to.fly back for Christmas. I am not being spiteful, just trying to respect his wishes to get away from us, from me.
I thought we were in a better place, but I was very wrong. He's making choices that I believe are going to cause him harm, but at this point I can't stop him. I write this through tears. He doesn't want to be like me and I don't blame him.
As for my marriage, I have been sleeping on the couch for over 2 weeks now. My 15 year old grabbed my wrists 2 weeks ago and bruised them and my right shoulder. My husband stood right there and allowed it and actually said he saw no issue. He cussed at me and called me vile names over the weekend. I know I am at just as much fault, but I do have to stand up for myself and have at least enough self respect and enough dignity for my daughter's to tell them it's not okay to be spoke or treated this way.
One day at a time
I have been dealing with my feelings by eating, over eating, and eating all the wrong stuff.
One thing I have changed this week is my eating. I am eating cottage cheese for breakfast and lunch, snacking on carrots, and having a sensible, low complex carb dinner. So far I have lost 7 lbs since Monday. I am working out and walking and do feel better when I do that, so those are two positive changes and knowing I am going to have someone to talk to and hopefully work through this depression with. I am also going to try to treat this depression naturally. I do not trust pharmaceuticals and believe they do more harm than good. I am going start with Liver Cod oil and proceed from there.
I still feel far from the Lord, bit I continue to pray, continue to read HIS word, and write out my Bible verse daily.
One area that has hurt me to the core is my relationship with my oldest. The plan was to go with him to Arizona to set up his apartment. My mom and sister in law going as well, and we would use the week to hang out together as well. He told me he doesn't want us to go. He has stomped on my heart. I have also decided that since he made it very clear he wants separation that I will not be purchasing a ticket for him to.fly back for Christmas. I am not being spiteful, just trying to respect his wishes to get away from us, from me.
I thought we were in a better place, but I was very wrong. He's making choices that I believe are going to cause him harm, but at this point I can't stop him. I write this through tears. He doesn't want to be like me and I don't blame him.
As for my marriage, I have been sleeping on the couch for over 2 weeks now. My 15 year old grabbed my wrists 2 weeks ago and bruised them and my right shoulder. My husband stood right there and allowed it and actually said he saw no issue. He cussed at me and called me vile names over the weekend. I know I am at just as much fault, but I do have to stand up for myself and have at least enough self respect and enough dignity for my daughter's to tell them it's not okay to be spoke or treated this way.
One day at a time
Monday, August 19, 2019
Failure
I have felt like a failure for years. I failed our oldest, by getting her vaccinated, allowing others to smoke around her, and ultimately being the cause of her cancer.
I failed keeping her alive. It's been 19 years since she died and I will never forgive myself.
I am failing at my marriage. We have been married for 22 years, and we are so close to divorce.
I am a failure as a mother to my other 6 years. I am angry almost all the time. I tell over stupid little stuff and the big stuff.
I am absolutely miserable.
I feel so far away from God. I want to feel HIM but he's so far away from. I am so lost, scared, sad, and justs empty.
My kids may love me, but they definitely don't like me and I can't blame them.
I don't feel like I really have any friends. I. can't be truly honest about who I am, because if I am no one would come.close to me, ever. To be fully honest, no one should.
I just am done. I wish that God would just take me home tonight. Everyone would be better off with me gone. I ache for our Savior come and take me home. Oh that one sweet day. I can't wait.
In the meantime, I know I am a failure. This isn't a pity post, it's just a reality and admitting the truth.
I failed keeping her alive. It's been 19 years since she died and I will never forgive myself.
I am failing at my marriage. We have been married for 22 years, and we are so close to divorce.
I am a failure as a mother to my other 6 years. I am angry almost all the time. I tell over stupid little stuff and the big stuff.
I am absolutely miserable.
I feel so far away from God. I want to feel HIM but he's so far away from. I am so lost, scared, sad, and justs empty.
My kids may love me, but they definitely don't like me and I can't blame them.
I don't feel like I really have any friends. I. can't be truly honest about who I am, because if I am no one would come.close to me, ever. To be fully honest, no one should.
I just am done. I wish that God would just take me home tonight. Everyone would be better off with me gone. I ache for our Savior come and take me home. Oh that one sweet day. I can't wait.
In the meantime, I know I am a failure. This isn't a pity post, it's just a reality and admitting the truth.
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Depression
I am pretty sure I'm dealing with depression. I want to preface this to say, I'm crying out to Jesus. Praying constantly, with that, I'm hurting so much. I feel so alone. I cry to the Lord, but I do not feel him. My marriage is falling apart. I'm a terrible mother. I know I have friends, but yet, don't really feel like I have any. One of my best friends had offered up something, and although I do not care if she follows through with that, she's not reached out to me at all. I'm done calling. I'm done texting, messaging. I'm done feeling rejected.
I get people are busy. Hello, I am too, but I try, but it's a one way street. I'm just to the point that I just can't anymore, because it feels pointless. I don't feel like I really have anyone here. I wish I could explain how lonely and sad I am. I'm constantly feeling sad and constantly lonely. I can be in a room full of people who say they're my friend and I feel completely alone.
I know no one reads this anymore, but to be able to write it out for myself is what I need right now.
The song I feel like is my theme right now is Casting Crowns: Does Anybody Hear Her
"She Is running 100 miles an hour, in the wrong direction".....
That's what I feel like. Running in the wrong direction, screaming "does anybody hear me, does anybody care?" I can tell you the answer...no. They see the persona that I let people see, but to see my hurt, my heart, my fears, my heartbreak, my sadness, my despair. NO ONE see's me. No ONE cares to see me. It's easier to not see me.
My husband doesn't care. My kids hate me. I'm often so full of anger and hurt, I often just lash out, get mad easily.
So this is where I'm at. Pretty sure I have depression, hoping I can treat it naturally vs Big Pharma.
I guess I need to get into see someone to figure out where I am in my mental health.
I get people are busy. Hello, I am too, but I try, but it's a one way street. I'm just to the point that I just can't anymore, because it feels pointless. I don't feel like I really have anyone here. I wish I could explain how lonely and sad I am. I'm constantly feeling sad and constantly lonely. I can be in a room full of people who say they're my friend and I feel completely alone.
I know no one reads this anymore, but to be able to write it out for myself is what I need right now.
The song I feel like is my theme right now is Casting Crowns: Does Anybody Hear Her
"She Is running 100 miles an hour, in the wrong direction".....
That's what I feel like. Running in the wrong direction, screaming "does anybody hear me, does anybody care?" I can tell you the answer...no. They see the persona that I let people see, but to see my hurt, my heart, my fears, my heartbreak, my sadness, my despair. NO ONE see's me. No ONE cares to see me. It's easier to not see me.
My husband doesn't care. My kids hate me. I'm often so full of anger and hurt, I often just lash out, get mad easily.
So this is where I'm at. Pretty sure I have depression, hoping I can treat it naturally vs Big Pharma.
I guess I need to get into see someone to figure out where I am in my mental health.
Monday, May 6, 2019
Almost grown and flown
My oldest son is my only public school child, the rest I home school. He's a Senior and will be graduating in 2 weeks. My heart is HEAVY. I am excited to see him experience new things and excited for his future, but I'm sad that his childhood is nearly over. I'm thankful that he will be staying with us until October when he'll move across the country to begin school and be closer to his girlfriend. I'm trying NOT to focus on that fact that he's leaving us and will be 17 hours driving, 2 hour flight from us.
Tonight though, we had their class Baccalaureate. It was beautiful. The prayers, the message, the music, and the poem.
One of the bible verses shared was: James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
I struggle with being happy that my son is about to graduate and leave, but I have JOY. Joy comes from Jesus and Jesus alone. I am clinging to the Lord as we prepare for these new changes in our family, as we prepare to witness our son spread his wings and I pray his roots are deep and brings him back to visit us often.
Tonight though, we had their class Baccalaureate. It was beautiful. The prayers, the message, the music, and the poem.
One of the bible verses shared was: James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
I struggle with being happy that my son is about to graduate and leave, but I have JOY. Joy comes from Jesus and Jesus alone. I am clinging to the Lord as we prepare for these new changes in our family, as we prepare to witness our son spread his wings and I pray his roots are deep and brings him back to visit us often.
Monday, March 4, 2019
Liars
I hate being lied to. I hate when the one person who should tell me the truth has lied to me and thinks I'm stupid enough not to know I'm being lied to. It really infuriates me that him and our oldest son are together lying to me, especially when they lied to me about something HUGE and I mean HUGE last year and when the truth came out, I was fit to be tied. The thing is, whether I want to admit it or not, there's an expectation that my kids will lie to me at various times in their lives, but I do NOT expect my husband to lie to me over their lies, as well.
If you make a mistake, just own it. Don't lie, because the truth is going to come out. The sinful, prideful, ugly side of me wants to tell my husband, "just wait until our girls are older" and they tell me something they don't want you to know, but need to know. BUT, the difference is, I won't keep it a secret. I may tell him to keep quiet, but I won't keep a secret. Not telling is lying.
We've dealt with this kind of crap for years and I'm at the point that trust is broken and I have no belief in him that he's being honest with me, even if he is. It sucks. A wife should be able to trust her husband, especially when it comes to her children, but I know I can't.
I have also told both of them that I know they're lying and I don't trust either of them. They don't seem to care, because they continue to lie.
If you are a mom or a dad who keeps things from the other parent, I would encourage you to stop. Tell that parent. If you want to keep open communication with your child, ask your spouse to not tell the child, but your first loyalty goes to your spouse, because once that trust is broken, it will take a lot to mend it.
If you make a mistake, just own it. Don't lie, because the truth is going to come out. The sinful, prideful, ugly side of me wants to tell my husband, "just wait until our girls are older" and they tell me something they don't want you to know, but need to know. BUT, the difference is, I won't keep it a secret. I may tell him to keep quiet, but I won't keep a secret. Not telling is lying.
We've dealt with this kind of crap for years and I'm at the point that trust is broken and I have no belief in him that he's being honest with me, even if he is. It sucks. A wife should be able to trust her husband, especially when it comes to her children, but I know I can't.
I have also told both of them that I know they're lying and I don't trust either of them. They don't seem to care, because they continue to lie.
If you are a mom or a dad who keeps things from the other parent, I would encourage you to stop. Tell that parent. If you want to keep open communication with your child, ask your spouse to not tell the child, but your first loyalty goes to your spouse, because once that trust is broken, it will take a lot to mend it.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Birthday's
I turned 42 a few days ago. I don't mind birthday's, I actually really like them. I'm a woman and feel blessed to get older, because the fact is, tomorrow is not promised for a single one of us and if God has allowed me another year, I am GRATEFUL!
Now with that, I'm not saying I expect a big hoopla, I don't expect parties. I don't expect everyone to gush over me all day, or the newest trend/week or month. BUT, I do expect a little attention on my birthday. Yes, I said it. I want some attention on my birthday. I want to feel like I'm at least a little important to the most important people in my life...my children and husband.
My husband was really good on my birthday. He had Bible study that morning and my girls had dance, so he took all the kids except our oldest and his girlfriend who were visiting. I slept in, I was babysitting until early afternoon, then my husband and the kids got home, they gave me a hug and said Happy Birthday and then down to the family room they went for the rest of the afternoon. I didn't see any of them, except my youngest until dinner, which my husband made for me. As soon as dinner was finished, they disappeared. When the cake was done, they all rushed upstairs and I could hear scurrying in the kitchen. I was called to the kitchen, gifts were opened, cake was ate, and then everyone disappeared again.
I felt ignored. I felt unimportant. I was hurt. I am STILL hurt days later. I read these beautiful cards, telling me how important I am, how loved I am. The fact is, I felt unimportant and unloved, possibly more than I ever have in my life.
I expressed my hurt to my husband and I know I need to express it to my kids. I would never want them to feel the way I did. I want and try hard, on their birthday's to make them feel special. I try to express to them throughout the year how important and special they are to me.
So, now I deal with the fact that there's more selfishness in my children than I realized and I fix it, because if I don't they're going to grow up to be selfish adults and that's absolutely not okay.
Now with that, I'm not saying I expect a big hoopla, I don't expect parties. I don't expect everyone to gush over me all day, or the newest trend/week or month. BUT, I do expect a little attention on my birthday. Yes, I said it. I want some attention on my birthday. I want to feel like I'm at least a little important to the most important people in my life...my children and husband.
My husband was really good on my birthday. He had Bible study that morning and my girls had dance, so he took all the kids except our oldest and his girlfriend who were visiting. I slept in, I was babysitting until early afternoon, then my husband and the kids got home, they gave me a hug and said Happy Birthday and then down to the family room they went for the rest of the afternoon. I didn't see any of them, except my youngest until dinner, which my husband made for me. As soon as dinner was finished, they disappeared. When the cake was done, they all rushed upstairs and I could hear scurrying in the kitchen. I was called to the kitchen, gifts were opened, cake was ate, and then everyone disappeared again.
I felt ignored. I felt unimportant. I was hurt. I am STILL hurt days later. I read these beautiful cards, telling me how important I am, how loved I am. The fact is, I felt unimportant and unloved, possibly more than I ever have in my life.
I expressed my hurt to my husband and I know I need to express it to my kids. I would never want them to feel the way I did. I want and try hard, on their birthday's to make them feel special. I try to express to them throughout the year how important and special they are to me.
So, now I deal with the fact that there's more selfishness in my children than I realized and I fix it, because if I don't they're going to grow up to be selfish adults and that's absolutely not okay.
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Friendships or lack there of.....
I should start this to say I'm in a poor poor me state of mind. I promise that I will be out of it most likely by tomorrow morning. I surely am not the only person who is there almost always for her friends, but it's absolutely not a two way street. I feel myself sinking. My two best friends live 12-16 hours away by car. I have friends here, but some have drifted pretty well out of my life, and others just seems that when they need me, I hear from them, otherwise, not so much. I'm lonely. This has been a song I've sang multiple times since we moved back to Kansas. I'm not sure I've cried as much over this lonely feeling as I have the last 6 years.
To be totally honest, I understand that the common denominator is me. I also understand I am NOT everyone's cup of tea. I guess I just wish that people would be honest with me. Tell me what I'm doing wrong. I've never had issues being blessed with friendship, as I have since we came back. I find I grow friendships and then one thing or another happens and that friendship dwindles in some manner or another. I've understood it in some cases and others I'm still bewildered. Some friends have moved, some have had major life changes and I guess I was just not the friend they needed at the time.
I think the most recent friendship that has changed that has hurt the most is 2 of whom I considered 2 very close friends, who I brought together, were literally and I do mean literally talking and sharing "looks" right behind my back. We were at ones husband's retirement party at the lake. The kids had been playing in the lake. While the kids were drying off, one of my little's was not obeying and getting their shoes on, I had repeated myself multiple times to them to get their shoes on. I had been with this little one, constantly doing this act for him and had recently been working to make him independent in this task and we were working hard on obeying. I turned to say something to my two "friends" and see them roll their eyes and make quiet, snide comments about why I couldn't just do it for my child. I think they thought the wind was covering their voice, but they were close enough I could touch them, without moving from where I was standing. I was hurt and honestly, I'm still hurt and it's been probably 9 months. I didn't say anything then, I was shocked, and afterwards didn't because I didn't want to completely destroy the friendship, but I stopped sharing as much. I definitely put up a wall, did not share like I had with them. One of them moved away and I honestly thought, the other friend and I would draw closer, but the opposite has happened and we've barely talked at all since she left.
I know there are many, many things I need to work on personally. I just am not sure what areas I can do better at and what areas I'm good/solid, and to be totally raw and honest, I'm scared to ask. It's hard to hear where you're a failure, especially in friendship, motherhood, and a wife, and well let me tell you, I'm a pretty big failure in all 3. I have a HORRIBLE relationship with my 2nd son/3rd child. My oldest living child, graduates this spring and his plan is to move to Arizona, which is about 20 hours drive from us. I say hurtful things to the people I love the most in this world and the reality is, nothing I can say, no amount of sorry's takes my ugly words away.
I am a person who NEEDS girlfriends in her life. I want friends. I long for them. Having 2 best friends hours away, my best Army wife friend half way across the world, and another the other way across the world.
I long for a friend who knows my heart, see's the ugly, and will love me anyways. I'm not sure I'll have that here, but I'm praying that I will, one day. I'm hopeful that the friends who are far in distance, will be there a bit more for me. Will answer when I call or will call me vs me having to call them.
I am not sure why the Lord has placed me in this spot with friendships the last 6 years. Will you join me in prayer, the 2 or 3 people who read this. Pray that the Lord will bring a friend to my life, for the long haul, who will be a friend who will call me out on my shortcomings and will be there for the good and the bad. Will love me for me.
To be totally honest, I understand that the common denominator is me. I also understand I am NOT everyone's cup of tea. I guess I just wish that people would be honest with me. Tell me what I'm doing wrong. I've never had issues being blessed with friendship, as I have since we came back. I find I grow friendships and then one thing or another happens and that friendship dwindles in some manner or another. I've understood it in some cases and others I'm still bewildered. Some friends have moved, some have had major life changes and I guess I was just not the friend they needed at the time.
I think the most recent friendship that has changed that has hurt the most is 2 of whom I considered 2 very close friends, who I brought together, were literally and I do mean literally talking and sharing "looks" right behind my back. We were at ones husband's retirement party at the lake. The kids had been playing in the lake. While the kids were drying off, one of my little's was not obeying and getting their shoes on, I had repeated myself multiple times to them to get their shoes on. I had been with this little one, constantly doing this act for him and had recently been working to make him independent in this task and we were working hard on obeying. I turned to say something to my two "friends" and see them roll their eyes and make quiet, snide comments about why I couldn't just do it for my child. I think they thought the wind was covering their voice, but they were close enough I could touch them, without moving from where I was standing. I was hurt and honestly, I'm still hurt and it's been probably 9 months. I didn't say anything then, I was shocked, and afterwards didn't because I didn't want to completely destroy the friendship, but I stopped sharing as much. I definitely put up a wall, did not share like I had with them. One of them moved away and I honestly thought, the other friend and I would draw closer, but the opposite has happened and we've barely talked at all since she left.
I know there are many, many things I need to work on personally. I just am not sure what areas I can do better at and what areas I'm good/solid, and to be totally raw and honest, I'm scared to ask. It's hard to hear where you're a failure, especially in friendship, motherhood, and a wife, and well let me tell you, I'm a pretty big failure in all 3. I have a HORRIBLE relationship with my 2nd son/3rd child. My oldest living child, graduates this spring and his plan is to move to Arizona, which is about 20 hours drive from us. I say hurtful things to the people I love the most in this world and the reality is, nothing I can say, no amount of sorry's takes my ugly words away.
I am a person who NEEDS girlfriends in her life. I want friends. I long for them. Having 2 best friends hours away, my best Army wife friend half way across the world, and another the other way across the world.
I long for a friend who knows my heart, see's the ugly, and will love me anyways. I'm not sure I'll have that here, but I'm praying that I will, one day. I'm hopeful that the friends who are far in distance, will be there a bit more for me. Will answer when I call or will call me vs me having to call them.
I am not sure why the Lord has placed me in this spot with friendships the last 6 years. Will you join me in prayer, the 2 or 3 people who read this. Pray that the Lord will bring a friend to my life, for the long haul, who will be a friend who will call me out on my shortcomings and will be there for the good and the bad. Will love me for me.
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