My Girl

 Today my girl would be 24. We had her for 2 years 1 month, 8 days. Her 1st birthday she spent in a German hospital, hooked up to Chemo, having been diagnosed with AML leukemia only 6 days prior, we had sweet friends (mom and her 2 girls) who came up with cupcakes and gifts and we celebrated her birthday.  Her 2nd birthday, we knew she was dying. We had a big party at our home with friends. That was it. If she was alive, I don't even know if she'd live close enough that we could have taken her out for dinner or called her and sang Happy Birthday. As I type this, it's literally almost the time I gave birth to her. 

I have spent all day in bed, watching the ID channel. I figured, I felt sad, so I'll watch other people's sadness too. I know it's messed up. I just miss her so very much. I don't know how it's possible she could be 24 years old. 

I hope tomorrow I can write more in my heart. Tonight, I just feel empty and sad. 

Starting Again

 I haven't written in a long time, well that's not completely true. I haven't published anything I have written in a long time. I struggle with being completely open, feeling like if anyone reads my words they will judge me either silently or even out loud. I struggle to share my inner thoughts with anyone. I have 1 friend who lives half way across the world, that I find I can be completely open with and never feel judged, but know she'll also be honest with me, while loving me completely. 

I hope that I can start blogging more and even if no one else reads my words, it'll be something one day that I may one day share with my kids, or just look back on for myself even. I find myself drawn to writing when I'm feeling down or just almost blah and I want to work it out. I've been in my Bible more. I'm currently reading through Romans. I'm taking my time. I got a Study Bible for Christmas, so it's allowing me to read and fully understand. 

 For Christmas this year my husband bought me a Cricut Easy Press. I had asked for a Cricut, and he thought that's what he got me! Ultimately the man bought me a large iron! LOL I wasn't mad, and I ended up getting a Cricut 6 weeks later for my birthday! A month later and I finally decided to brave it and use it. My husband actually helped me a lot. I get really overwhelmed with new things, that are more technical. Thankfully, I think I will be able to figure it out, now that we've made my husband a tshirt. Hopefully, over the next few days I can make more tshirts, and maybe some cups and other vinyl decals. I'd love to make some for my vehicles even. 

My goal is to blog once or twice a week. As I start using my cricut more, I will probably share what I'm doing on here. I am only doing this for "me". A friend asked if I planned to make a business, no. I plan to make things for my family and extended family and friends. I'm excited to figure it out, and actually be a little creative! Now that I've used it once, it's inspired me to get my "craft" room cleaned out and quit being what I'd nicknamed "crap" room! I hope to get it cleared out in the next 2 weeks, so I can get down to "business" so to speak. 

I actually have a goal to get my whole house cleaned up My bedroom, my kids, our basement which houses our family room and "storage". I'm really hoping this spring or early summer get my bedroom painted and bathroom finished painting. Lots of plans. I think what I really need to do is plan things out month by month, March: craft room, April master bedroom and family room, May bathroom and kids room. June storage area. I hope to keep you updated on the progress.