Finding Help

I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday morning. I hope it will help. I am positive I am dealing with depression at the very least. I can be around people who say they are my friend and still feel so lonely. I truly feel like I cannot be fully honest with anyone, and share what is going on with me, because to be bluntly honest, I am scared of their reaction.
I have been dealing with my feelings by eating, over eating, and eating all the wrong stuff.
One thing I have changed this week is my eating. I am eating cottage cheese for breakfast and lunch, snacking on carrots, and having a sensible, low complex carb dinner. So far I have lost 7 lbs since Monday. I am working out and walking and do feel better when I do that, so those are two positive changes and knowing I am going to have someone to talk to and hopefully work through this depression with. I am also going to try to treat this depression naturally. I do not trust pharmaceuticals and believe they do more harm than good. I am going start with Liver Cod oil and proceed from there.
I still feel far from the Lord, bit I continue to pray, continue to read HIS word, and write out my Bible verse daily.
One area that has hurt me to the core is my relationship with my oldest. The plan was to go with him to Arizona to set up his apartment. My mom and sister in law going as well, and we would use the week to hang out together as well. He told me he doesn't want us to go. He has stomped on my heart. I have also decided that since he made it very clear he wants separation that I will not be purchasing a ticket for him to.fly back for Christmas. I am not being spiteful, just trying to respect his wishes to get away from us, from me.
I thought we were in a better place, but I was very wrong. He's making choices that I believe are going to cause him harm, but at this point I can't stop him. I write this through tears.  He doesn't want to be like me and I don't blame him.
As for my marriage, I have been sleeping on the couch for over 2 weeks now. My 15 year old grabbed my wrists 2 weeks ago and bruised them and my right shoulder. My husband stood right there and allowed it and actually said he saw no issue. He cussed at me and called me vile names over the weekend. I know I am at just as much fault, but I do have to stand up for myself and have at least enough self respect and enough dignity for my daughter's to tell them it's not okay to be spoke or treated this way.

One day at a time 

Failure

I have felt like a failure for years. I failed our oldest, by getting her vaccinated, allowing others to smoke around her, and ultimately being the cause of her cancer.
I failed keeping her alive. It's been 19 years since she died and I will never forgive myself.
I am failing at my marriage. We have been married for 22 years, and we are so close to divorce.
I am a failure as a mother to my other 6 years. I am angry almost all the time. I tell over stupid little stuff and the big stuff.
I am absolutely miserable.

I feel so far away from God. I want to feel HIM but he's so far away from. I am so lost, scared, sad, and justs empty.
My kids may love me, but they definitely don't like me and I can't blame them.

I don't feel like I really have any friends. I. can't  be truly honest about who I am, because if I am no one would come.close to me, ever. To be fully honest, no one should.
I just am done. I wish that God would just take me home tonight. Everyone would be better off with me gone. I ache for our Savior come and take me home. Oh that one sweet day. I can't wait.
In the meantime, I know I am a failure. This isn't a pity post, it's just a reality and admitting the truth.

Depression

I am pretty sure I'm dealing with depression. I want to preface this to say, I'm crying out to Jesus. Praying constantly, with that, I'm hurting so much. I feel so alone. I cry to the Lord, but I do not feel him. My marriage is falling apart. I'm a terrible mother. I know I have friends, but yet, don't really feel like I have any. One of my best friends had offered up something, and although I do not care if she follows through with that, she's not reached out to me at all. I'm done calling. I'm done texting, messaging. I'm done feeling rejected.
I get people are busy. Hello, I am too, but I try, but it's a one way street. I'm just to the point that I just can't anymore, because it feels pointless. I don't feel like I really have anyone here. I wish I could explain how lonely and sad I am. I'm constantly feeling sad and constantly lonely. I can be in a room full of people who say they're my friend and I feel completely alone.
I know no one reads this anymore, but to be able to write it out for myself is what I need right now.
The song I feel like is my theme right now is Casting Crowns: Does Anybody Hear Her
"She Is running 100 miles an hour, in the wrong direction".....
That's what I feel like. Running in the wrong direction, screaming "does anybody hear me, does anybody care?" I can tell you the answer...no. They see the persona that I let people see, but to see my hurt, my heart, my fears, my heartbreak, my sadness, my despair. NO ONE see's me. No ONE cares to see me. It's easier to not see me.
My husband doesn't care. My kids hate me. I'm often so full of anger and hurt, I often just lash out, get mad easily.
So this is where I'm at. Pretty sure I have depression, hoping I can treat it naturally vs Big Pharma.
I guess I need to get into see someone to figure out where I am in my mental health.