What Do You Do?

 What do you do when you find out a friendship is possibly over, but you are clueless to why. You have reached out, there was response, but no answers were given, just a lot of what feels like empty words. A person who usually has a lot to say and says it well, still says quite a bit, but says very little. I know what I'm saying may be a bit confusing, I'm just working it out, I guess. 
I was told something that says a friendship is over, but I was dumbfounded, since I'd just talked to her, although pretty surface level, nothing felt off, nothing felt "over". We both laughed, my smile was genuine, and I thought hers was as well. But, what I was told makes that all a lie, on her side. In all my life, friends have come and gone, but mostly not over, just literally they moved because of the military. 
I have shared with 2 friends and my husband, and all have said that if she said what I was told, that's on her. If I did something, I WANT to know. I want to know if it's something I could do that maybe needs changed, or if we really are just such polar opposites that this was bound to happen. One friend said, "she's jealous. You have never waivered from who you are." If that's it, I haven't. Through all of the covid mess, I stayed true to my values, I refused to mask up and live in fear. I have never gotten a test and NEVER will. I am against all V's, so clearly not getting that, ever. I do not know and I'm bewildered. 

It's interesting, because there's a friendship that ended many years ago and I had no clue why. But, the last year we connected again. She told me she was going through infertility and although she loved me and my family, it hurt her none the less, so she ended the friendship and because she said she felt ashamed, she couldn't tell me why. Praise God, he's healed so much of her hurt, and God is doing things to grow their family. I missed her, and I love her and I'm so glad we've found our way back to each other. It was also a huge relief to know the why, and although I do not know her pain, it's understandable to me. 

So I'm here, feeling sad that a friendship seems to have ended, but who knows it could just be paused and something we have to figure out down the road. 

I'm now just working on being gentle with myself as we have a busy few weeks and Mother's Day will be 22 years since my beautiful girl went Home to Heaven.  Every 8 years, the anniversary of her death lands on Mother's Day. We have been invited to celebrate a friends husband's and one of her child's birthday's with a BBQ at the local lake. I shared with her what the day is for me, and she said she understands, and is good with understanding I may not know until that day. I'm so grateful for people in my life that just understand that and don't push. Don't try to guilt me into doing things that may simply be too hard. Who get that, I may be okay and happy for the distraction or that I'll be lucky to get out of bed. This year for her birthday, I literally stayed in bed, almost all day. I just was so over whelmed in sadness I couldn't get out of bed, until later in the day. 

I am glad I'm back here and writing. It's therapeutic. 

My Girl

 Today my girl would be 24. We had her for 2 years 1 month, 8 days. Her 1st birthday she spent in a German hospital, hooked up to Chemo, having been diagnosed with AML leukemia only 6 days prior, we had sweet friends (mom and her 2 girls) who came up with cupcakes and gifts and we celebrated her birthday.  Her 2nd birthday, we knew she was dying. We had a big party at our home with friends. That was it. If she was alive, I don't even know if she'd live close enough that we could have taken her out for dinner or called her and sang Happy Birthday. As I type this, it's literally almost the time I gave birth to her. 

I have spent all day in bed, watching the ID channel. I figured, I felt sad, so I'll watch other people's sadness too. I know it's messed up. I just miss her so very much. I don't know how it's possible she could be 24 years old. 

I hope tomorrow I can write more in my heart. Tonight, I just feel empty and sad. 

Starting Again

 I haven't written in a long time, well that's not completely true. I haven't published anything I have written in a long time. I struggle with being completely open, feeling like if anyone reads my words they will judge me either silently or even out loud. I struggle to share my inner thoughts with anyone. I have 1 friend who lives half way across the world, that I find I can be completely open with and never feel judged, but know she'll also be honest with me, while loving me completely. 

I hope that I can start blogging more and even if no one else reads my words, it'll be something one day that I may one day share with my kids, or just look back on for myself even. I find myself drawn to writing when I'm feeling down or just almost blah and I want to work it out. I've been in my Bible more. I'm currently reading through Romans. I'm taking my time. I got a Study Bible for Christmas, so it's allowing me to read and fully understand. 

 For Christmas this year my husband bought me a Cricut Easy Press. I had asked for a Cricut, and he thought that's what he got me! Ultimately the man bought me a large iron! LOL I wasn't mad, and I ended up getting a Cricut 6 weeks later for my birthday! A month later and I finally decided to brave it and use it. My husband actually helped me a lot. I get really overwhelmed with new things, that are more technical. Thankfully, I think I will be able to figure it out, now that we've made my husband a tshirt. Hopefully, over the next few days I can make more tshirts, and maybe some cups and other vinyl decals. I'd love to make some for my vehicles even. 

My goal is to blog once or twice a week. As I start using my cricut more, I will probably share what I'm doing on here. I am only doing this for "me". A friend asked if I planned to make a business, no. I plan to make things for my family and extended family and friends. I'm excited to figure it out, and actually be a little creative! Now that I've used it once, it's inspired me to get my "craft" room cleaned out and quit being what I'd nicknamed "crap" room! I hope to get it cleared out in the next 2 weeks, so I can get down to "business" so to speak. 

I actually have a goal to get my whole house cleaned up My bedroom, my kids, our basement which houses our family room and "storage". I'm really hoping this spring or early summer get my bedroom painted and bathroom finished painting. Lots of plans. I think what I really need to do is plan things out month by month, March: craft room, April master bedroom and family room, May bathroom and kids room. June storage area. I hope to keep you updated on the progress.