Love....hurts

Sometimes the people who should love us the most, hurt us the most. Our parents, even as adults should provide a soft place to fall, but instead are a bed of thorns. I don't even think they know what or how they have hurt me, even when I have said how. They just don't see it. When I'm told something that's just not true, and when I see how many time my kids have been hurt with the double standards. When I look at how my parents don't miss anything my nieces do, but more often than not can't manage to make it to things my kids do, it's a slap in the face. For years I heard their guilt tripping that if we weren't in Germany they could be part of my kids lives. Well, we've been back for 10 years. They never saw J1 play any of the sports he played, except baseball practice when they visited us in Germany and he was 5 and J2 was 3. J1 played High school football for 4 years, Wrestling 3 years, and baseball for 2 years (and summer baseball for 3 or 4 years). J 2 they watched one of his football games, that he played on a homeschool league, and they played their last game 30 minutes from them, so they came). E played softball for years, they never came to a single one of her games. They have watched her dance recitals, most years although 3 or 4 they have chosen other things were more important to them than to watch E & O's recital. They've never watched O play softball, they did come to 1 of her soccer games last year, along with N2's soccer game (same day, they had 2 games each, so they watched one game per kid). They never watched N 1 play football or baseball, which he doesn't play anymore. N2 they have watched when he played Tball his 1st year playing, went to one soccer game, and one flag football game, and they came today to watch him wrestle, because the tournament was in the town they live closest to (they live in the country). The thing is, that with my nieces, my mom gets their schedule either from the school or their summer schedule she asks for it. My kids, unless I tell them and ask if they want to come, it doesn't seem to even dawn on them to come.  
I am done trying to have them be somewhat involved grandparents to my kids. They're not interested, and I can't make them WANT to be in my kids lives. I know my mom calls my nieces, and I know she DOES NOT call my kids. Three of my kids have their own phones, 2 are adults. The only time they call them is on their birthdays. The only time they're texted is when they want Christmas ideas. 

It HURTS, deeply. I don't believe this is how things should be. I don't believe this is what God wants. I know that we often learn and grow the most from our painful times, and I can already SEE what God is allowing me to learn/teaching me. What to do and not to do with my own kids, including or maybe especially my adult kids. What do do and not to do with my future grandchildren. I NEVER want my kids to feel like they're not important to me. I NEVER want my kids to feel like I favor one grandchild (or grandkids) over another. I want them to feel they're each important and special to me. I want them to each have their own relationship with me, I want them to feel safe, loved, and enjoy coming to my house. I'm learning what I want as a relationship with my kids as adults, which I have 2 of so far, and in a blink of an eye will have many. 

So, I'm here trying to learn lessons that God is teaching me, through hurt and heartbreak (far more than I've shared here). I've cried more than I care to admit or share. If you're reading this, please pray, because I'm truly hurting.