Layout

About Me

My photo
I'm Christy. Christian first, wife to a Retired Soldier, mom to 7, our oldest is with the Lord after he called her home against a battle against AML leukemia. I am a Homeschooling/SAHM/Housewife. The biggest blessing in my life is serving The Lord, Jesus Christ. I am a sinner, fail often, but am forgiven.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Depression

I am pretty sure I'm dealing with depression. I want to preface this to say, I'm crying out to Jesus. Praying constantly, with that, I'm hurting so much. I feel so alone. I cry to the Lord, but I do not feel him. My marriage is falling apart. I'm a terrible mother. I know I have friends, but yet, don't really feel like I have any. One of my best friends had offered up something, and although I do not care if she follows through with that, she's not reached out to me at all. I'm done calling. I'm done texting, messaging. I'm done feeling rejected.
I get people are busy. Hello, I am too, but I try, but it's a one way street. I'm just to the point that I just can't anymore, because it feels pointless. I don't feel like I really have anyone here. I wish I could explain how lonely and sad I am. I'm constantly feeling sad and constantly lonely. I can be in a room full of people who say they're my friend and I feel completely alone.
I know no one reads this anymore, but to be able to write it out for myself is what I need right now.
The song I feel like is my theme right now is Casting Crowns: Does Anybody Hear Her
"She Is running 100 miles an hour, in the wrong direction".....
That's what I feel like. Running in the wrong direction, screaming "does anybody hear me, does anybody care?" I can tell you the answer...no. They see the persona that I let people see, but to see my hurt, my heart, my fears, my heartbreak, my sadness, my despair. NO ONE see's me. No ONE cares to see me. It's easier to not see me.
My husband doesn't care. My kids hate me. I'm often so full of anger and hurt, I often just lash out, get mad easily.
So this is where I'm at. Pretty sure I have depression, hoping I can treat it naturally vs Big Pharma.
I guess I need to get into see someone to figure out where I am in my mental health.

1 comment:

terre said...

i read this! i read every time you post. and yes, this is different than what you share publicly on FB. but i get it. i could be saying about the same words right now too...in fact i have. i guess we need to cling to God and each other and walk through this dark time and get to the other side. we should take this private at some point. hugs my friend!

terre