What Do You Do?

 What do you do when you find out a friendship is possibly over, but you are clueless to why. You have reached out, there was response, but no answers were given, just a lot of what feels like empty words. A person who usually has a lot to say and says it well, still says quite a bit, but says very little. I know what I'm saying may be a bit confusing, I'm just working it out, I guess. 
I was told something that says a friendship is over, but I was dumbfounded, since I'd just talked to her, although pretty surface level, nothing felt off, nothing felt "over". We both laughed, my smile was genuine, and I thought hers was as well. But, what I was told makes that all a lie, on her side. In all my life, friends have come and gone, but mostly not over, just literally they moved because of the military. 
I have shared with 2 friends and my husband, and all have said that if she said what I was told, that's on her. If I did something, I WANT to know. I want to know if it's something I could do that maybe needs changed, or if we really are just such polar opposites that this was bound to happen. One friend said, "she's jealous. You have never waivered from who you are." If that's it, I haven't. Through all of the covid mess, I stayed true to my values, I refused to mask up and live in fear. I have never gotten a test and NEVER will. I am against all V's, so clearly not getting that, ever. I do not know and I'm bewildered. 

It's interesting, because there's a friendship that ended many years ago and I had no clue why. But, the last year we connected again. She told me she was going through infertility and although she loved me and my family, it hurt her none the less, so she ended the friendship and because she said she felt ashamed, she couldn't tell me why. Praise God, he's healed so much of her hurt, and God is doing things to grow their family. I missed her, and I love her and I'm so glad we've found our way back to each other. It was also a huge relief to know the why, and although I do not know her pain, it's understandable to me. 

So I'm here, feeling sad that a friendship seems to have ended, but who knows it could just be paused and something we have to figure out down the road. 

I'm now just working on being gentle with myself as we have a busy few weeks and Mother's Day will be 22 years since my beautiful girl went Home to Heaven.  Every 8 years, the anniversary of her death lands on Mother's Day. We have been invited to celebrate a friends husband's and one of her child's birthday's with a BBQ at the local lake. I shared with her what the day is for me, and she said she understands, and is good with understanding I may not know until that day. I'm so grateful for people in my life that just understand that and don't push. Don't try to guilt me into doing things that may simply be too hard. Who get that, I may be okay and happy for the distraction or that I'll be lucky to get out of bed. This year for her birthday, I literally stayed in bed, almost all day. I just was so over whelmed in sadness I couldn't get out of bed, until later in the day. 

I am glad I'm back here and writing. It's therapeutic. 

My Girl

 Today my girl would be 24. We had her for 2 years 1 month, 8 days. Her 1st birthday she spent in a German hospital, hooked up to Chemo, having been diagnosed with AML leukemia only 6 days prior, we had sweet friends (mom and her 2 girls) who came up with cupcakes and gifts and we celebrated her birthday.  Her 2nd birthday, we knew she was dying. We had a big party at our home with friends. That was it. If she was alive, I don't even know if she'd live close enough that we could have taken her out for dinner or called her and sang Happy Birthday. As I type this, it's literally almost the time I gave birth to her. 

I have spent all day in bed, watching the ID channel. I figured, I felt sad, so I'll watch other people's sadness too. I know it's messed up. I just miss her so very much. I don't know how it's possible she could be 24 years old. 

I hope tomorrow I can write more in my heart. Tonight, I just feel empty and sad. 

Starting Again

 I haven't written in a long time, well that's not completely true. I haven't published anything I have written in a long time. I struggle with being completely open, feeling like if anyone reads my words they will judge me either silently or even out loud. I struggle to share my inner thoughts with anyone. I have 1 friend who lives half way across the world, that I find I can be completely open with and never feel judged, but know she'll also be honest with me, while loving me completely. 

I hope that I can start blogging more and even if no one else reads my words, it'll be something one day that I may one day share with my kids, or just look back on for myself even. I find myself drawn to writing when I'm feeling down or just almost blah and I want to work it out. I've been in my Bible more. I'm currently reading through Romans. I'm taking my time. I got a Study Bible for Christmas, so it's allowing me to read and fully understand. 

 For Christmas this year my husband bought me a Cricut Easy Press. I had asked for a Cricut, and he thought that's what he got me! Ultimately the man bought me a large iron! LOL I wasn't mad, and I ended up getting a Cricut 6 weeks later for my birthday! A month later and I finally decided to brave it and use it. My husband actually helped me a lot. I get really overwhelmed with new things, that are more technical. Thankfully, I think I will be able to figure it out, now that we've made my husband a tshirt. Hopefully, over the next few days I can make more tshirts, and maybe some cups and other vinyl decals. I'd love to make some for my vehicles even. 

My goal is to blog once or twice a week. As I start using my cricut more, I will probably share what I'm doing on here. I am only doing this for "me". A friend asked if I planned to make a business, no. I plan to make things for my family and extended family and friends. I'm excited to figure it out, and actually be a little creative! Now that I've used it once, it's inspired me to get my "craft" room cleaned out and quit being what I'd nicknamed "crap" room! I hope to get it cleared out in the next 2 weeks, so I can get down to "business" so to speak. 

I actually have a goal to get my whole house cleaned up My bedroom, my kids, our basement which houses our family room and "storage". I'm really hoping this spring or early summer get my bedroom painted and bathroom finished painting. Lots of plans. I think what I really need to do is plan things out month by month, March: craft room, April master bedroom and family room, May bathroom and kids room. June storage area. I hope to keep you updated on the progress. 

My Girl

 My oldest (living) daughter made a confession the other day to me....she finds cleaning and organizing calming! I don't know where she came from!! LOL I hate cleaning and organizing! It's truly stressful and overwhelming to me! I have a craft room, which for the last year I have half jokingly called my crap room. The goal of the room is to hold our homeschool supplies/books, and eventually craft in there. I am not a naturally crafty person, but oh so want to be! I enjoy card making, and have successfully made them. I have goals to make scrapbooks of my children, and one day quilt. The immediate goal is to have the room functional again. It was until about a year ago, and honestly I'm not sure what happened, but the kids started tossing things in there, probably in a moment of freaking out clean up before company came (is my guess!!) So my daughter, E and I started working on cleaning and organizing. We worked off and on for a few hours and it's about 1/2-3/4 the way done. We will finish it tomorrow, or E will. I have a bible study with my friend after church and then a leadership meeting at 4 at church. I'm not even sure if I'll be coming home between them. If so, then I'll work on the room, but if not, then E will be at it on her own. 
Once we are done with that room tomorrow, on Monday after she finishes school she's going to start on her old shared room with her sister, so now her sister's room, which is HORRIFIC!! E said that she does not want O in there, she has a plan on how to get the room cleaned and organized. The other night, E and I went to the store and bought totes and storage bins, etc so she can start on that room, then once she's done with that (she thinks it will be a Monday-Friday job, which since she will not be working on it until late afternoon and evening), her taking 5 days seems realistic. I told her I could come and help her and she said, "no, I really prefer to just do it on my own". She's crazy. Once she's finished with O's room, then she wants to organize the boys room. Again, we have totes and storage bins, but I'll probably needs to get a few more storage bins. Once she's done with the boys room, she's moving down to the playroom. I have a label maker on its way for the totes (I had to order the label maker, since none of the stores locally had any, since clearly EVERYONE is labeling everything!). My 17 year old son JT is going to clean the family room. It will be so nice to have everything done. 

I'm hoping that before Christmas my husband will not be working so late (it's harvest season, so he is working late nights!), and can get his area of the basement all cleaned and organized. We have new shelving to go down there. He had TONS of Army stuff down there, so once he gets through that, the basement will look great, then we will start tackling the garage. We have flooring to go up to the attic, where what we keep in the garage will go to, but hopefully  most of what's in the garage will just GO. 

So hopefully this time next year, we will have a cleaned up house, organized, and downsized! 

Pray for us! 

Conviction

 God has a way of convicting us through HIS WORD and others. I like to debate, but I've been convicted that I'm NOT doing it in a Godly manner most of the time. I'm not representing Jesus as I should, and most definitely not leading anyone to HIM in my debating. I feel led to be quiet right now. To just hold my opinion back. It goes against my nature. I want to argue with God, "well I can debate and glorify you" but I believe he's telling me, "no be quiet for right now". I have no idea if he'll allow me to ever debate in a more Godly manner, but what I know is right now, he's telling me to hush up. It's going to be hard. It goes against what I WANT to do. So pray for me, please. 

2 Timothy 4:1-2 "I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: 2 preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching."

We are to be always conscience that God is watching, He judges believers and nonbelievers and holds us to HIS standards. 

1 Corinthians 3:10-15 "10 According to the grace of God given to me, like a skilled[a] master builder I laid a foundation, and someone else is building upon it. Let each one take care how he builds upon it. 11 For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12 Now if anyone builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw— 13 each one's work will become manifest, for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed by fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done. 14 If the work that anyone has built on the foundation survives, he will receive a reward. 15 If anyone's work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himself will be saved, but only as through fire."

God judges our works. Even if what we have done burns up, we are still saved. 

A few months ago, I was only getting on Social Media once a day, and at the end of the day. I was spending my days with my kids, reading my Bible, reading for pleasure (Christian Fiction), copy work and I had so much peace. It's clear I need to go back to that. I waste too much time on social media as it is. My plan is, first thing in the morning posting a request for prayer requests, then checking back after my kids are in bed, praying over those needs. I know my time will be so much better spent, and I'll be a happier woman, wife, and mom.  

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote the above a few hours ago. I just got home an hour ago from an outdoor concert, from a band called Presence Worship. I encourage you to look them up. Their purpose is to bring Glory to God and train  Worship Leaders. I can't even explain why, but I cried through the whole concert. I could feel the Lord there. I can't explain it, but it was beautiful, emotional, and freeing. 

I pray that I can stay in that place of completely giving myself to the Lord in all I do. As a woman, mother, wife, homeschool teacher, childcare provider, friend, daughter, sister. To start our day in God's word, and coming back to it throughout our days. 

"Father let me be obedient to you. I pray to be an example to my children on how YOU can transform a person. Let me show my children YOUR love, your guidance, your discipline. Let me show them that YOU are the most important in this life, and then everyone and everything else. Let them see that YOU deserve worship and adoration, and only YOU. Let me teach them YOUR word, to hide it in our heart, and live it out loud. Let them see they should never be ashamed of the Gospel. Let them be humbled by the cross, and so grateful for your life, death, and resurrection. In Your Name....Amen" 

Pride and Humbleness

I don't know why blogging is such a come and go thing for me. I will say I have quite a few unpublished posts, mostly because after I wrote them, I found that it was just too private, too painful, or still just working through all my feelings to put it out there.
I am quite a private person in many areas of my life. I am also quite open in my opinions, and truly what you see is what you get. If I will write it online, I'll say it to your face in person. With that though, there are subjects that I don't share much about. My kids, there are things I will share, but there are things that outside of my parents or best friends, I will not share about.
I don't share about finances. I hope it's not pride, I just don't feel most the time it's appropriate to share about finances. I've shared again with those closest to me, but I rarely give in-depth details, honestly I can only recall 3 times that I've shared with my best friends great details. I guess I've watched those who struggle go on about it and those who are more well to do talk about it to a point that it feels like bragging, so I just don't share. I rarely, if ever talk about disagreements I have with my friends.

So with that, I'm sharing something that's more private. The last 6 weeks I've not spoken beyond a few texts and FB messages with one of my best friends. We had a difference of opinion on a subject, misunderstandings abounded on both sides. It's been awful. My heart broke, and every day the emptiness I can't explain. I can't explain how many times I wanted to call her, and stopped myself, but that's changing this week. I miss my friend, who I love and her family. I refuse to let pride and hurt ruin our friendship. I have a small circle of close friends and to have this one so fragile, someone I often talk to multiple times a weeks, sometimes multiple times a day, who's been a life line for me for the last 17 years, who prays for and with me, that's not a friendship I can just let go of.
I have let other friendships go over the years, and for the most part, I believe they had ran their course, and they ended for clear reasons, sometimes I ended the relationship and other times the other person did. There are some friendships that are meant to last and fight for though.

Truth Be Told

I have "friends" plenty of them, but I am not actually important to any of them. They take what they want, then hang up or walk away.
My phone rings, and I can be on the line for an hour and if I spoke 5 minutes out of that 60, that's pushing it. What I don't say to others is that I understand very clearly that I am not important. They'll listen to a few things, but it always and I do mean ALWAYS turns back to them.
I'm tired of feeling unimportant, and that my thoughts don't matter.
It's not just 1 friend, it's all of them. I also see the common denominator, it's me. I don't understand why with everyone I get to be the listener, but not to be listened to, outside of a few minutes.
I also am tired of being out on the back burner, especially when it comes to my best friends.
I don't work outside of the home, so my job is not nearly as important, and my ministry doesn't exist. I don't share the 5-10 messages asking me to pray for people every day, because I am asked to please keep it to myself. I am so burdened for those who I pray for, but I guess since I do this on my own, it's not important.
I don't depend on others to educate my children, so my struggles withy kids and school doesn't matter.

I am TIRED of not being important to anyone. I am TIRED of not being enough. I am mad. I am mad that it seems only some get to express their opinion and when I do, it's turned into a personal attack, never mind that they were never even in my thought process.

 I already know I have depression. I already know I have anger issues. I already know that I am NOT important to most people who would claim I am. Guess what, it's a freaking LIE. When someone is important to you, they reach out, and call just to ask how YOU are and don't turn every single conversation to them. Maybe I am wrong. I am wrong constantly, but at this point, I am sick of always being the listener and never getting listened to.

The last 2 years have sucked, and no one cares. NO ONE that walks on this Earth. It sucks that I sit here crying, because I know that no one actually cares about me.
I think it's time I just accept it.

My best friend can't bother to ever visit me and my other can't be bothered to stop talking and listen to me.

I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Sad that the only person who listens to me, I have to pay.