Broken

What led to my weight gain. My heart broke 14 years ago. I held my daughter as she took her last breath, was released from her pain, and left my arms for Jesus'. It broke me, devastated me. The person I was,died with her. I was filled with a despair that I had never felt or could have understood. I found out 8 days later that I was pregnant. Grief overtook me. I just wanted my little girl back. Two years was not enough. I did not understand why the Lord will give me another baby, when he just took the one I longed to hold back in my arms.  Once her funeral was over and we returned to Virgina, I could not stand to stay awake during the day. The apartment was so quiet and it was a constant reminder that she was gone. I found myself staying up all night long. I'd normally be online, chatting on aol with other mom's who had also lost their child from cancer. I found 2 of my best friends in that group and we'd chat for hours on end. They understood better than anyone else I knew. One of them was also pregnant, the other ended up pregnant a few months later, only to sadly lose her baby. To this day, I don't know what I'd do without T & K,and forever thankful for the DaybyDay group and the wonderful woman who created it.
So I was pregnant, sleeping most of the day, up half the night online, laying on the couch watching tv, until I could finally drift off to sleep. When my husband would get up to go to PT, I'd wake up normally as he shut the door and I'd go sleep for as long as possible in bed. I kept her door closed most of the time, I couldn't bare to look at her room, her empty bed, her unplayed with toys, her clothes hanging in her closet.
I was so sick through half the pregnancy I actually lost 20 lbs, it finally stopped half way through the pregnancy and I gained the 20 back. Once he was here, I gained a few pounds,but got most of it off. Then I got pregnant with JT. I gained about 20 lbs, then after he was born, 5months later my husband deployed and I was still in pretty deep grief and found comfort in food. When JT was about 18 months old, I joined Weight Watchers. I lost 25 lbs,then we moved to Germany. I quickly regained that 25 and some. I fought the pounds, could lose 5 to 10, only to regain, plus.
Through it all, I found comfort in 2 things....Jesus and food. Food was an instant gratification. I obviously found comfort and went looking for it more often in food than I did in the Lord.
Anger took over a huge part of my heart, and it's something I constantly fight and often lose that battle.
I emotionally have been pretty turned off for years. I used to cry at the drop of a hat,but the last 4 years that rarely happens. Now it's rare for me to cry and if I do, it's because I've been so hurt or I'm so touched or moved.

I have felt worthless, defeated, fat and ugly for years. I still feel like that. I'm NOT looking for self-pity, I'm just being honest. I do not feel worthy of love. I feel ugly and fat. I've lost almost or maybe at 70 lbs now and I still feel fat and ugly. I still have a lot of weight to lose (about 50) to be at my goal weight that I've set for myself. I honestly don't know if I will ever not feel fat and ugly. Once upon a time, I just to be light hearted, full of laughter, fairly conceited, and "knew" I was pretty. I know I need to see a counselor to help me deal with all these feelings and work through them.

So many things led to my weight gain, most of all my weakness. My lack of turning to God over food, for comfort and healing. I found myself falling into that today. The difference is, that I can't over eat, if I do, I get severely sick. I have a lot of head and heart things I need to change, to work on.