Friendships or lack there of.....

I should start this to say I'm in a poor poor me state of mind. I promise that I will be out of it most likely by tomorrow morning.  I surely am not the only person who is there almost always for her friends, but it's absolutely not a two way street. I feel myself sinking. My two best friends live 12-16 hours away by car. I have friends here, but some have drifted pretty well out of my life, and others just seems that when they need me, I hear from them, otherwise, not so much. I'm lonely. This has been a song I've sang multiple times since we moved back to Kansas. I'm not sure I've cried as much over this lonely feeling as I have the last 6 years.
To be totally honest, I understand that the common denominator is me. I also understand I am NOT everyone's cup of tea. I guess I just wish that people would be honest with me. Tell me what I'm doing wrong. I've never had issues being blessed with friendship, as I have since we came back. I find I grow friendships and then one thing or another happens and that friendship dwindles in some manner or another. I've understood it in some cases and others I'm still bewildered. Some friends have moved, some have had major life changes and I guess I was just not the friend they needed at the time.
I think the most recent friendship that has changed that has hurt the most is 2 of whom I considered 2 very close friends, who I brought together, were literally and I do mean literally talking and sharing "looks" right behind my back. We were at ones husband's retirement party at the lake. The kids had been playing in the lake. While the kids were drying off, one of my little's was not obeying and getting their shoes on, I had repeated myself multiple times to them to get their shoes on. I had been with this little one, constantly doing this act for him and had recently been working to make him independent in this task and we were working hard on obeying. I turned to say something to my two "friends" and see them roll their eyes and make quiet, snide comments about why I couldn't just do it for my child. I think they thought the wind was covering their voice, but they were close enough I could touch them, without moving from where I was standing. I was hurt and honestly, I'm still hurt and it's been probably 9 months. I didn't say anything then, I was shocked, and afterwards didn't because I didn't want to completely destroy the friendship, but I stopped sharing as much. I definitely put up a wall, did not share like I had with them. One of them moved away and I honestly thought, the other friend and I would draw closer, but the opposite has happened and we've barely talked at all since she left.
I know there are many, many things I need to work on personally. I just am not sure what areas I can do better at and what areas I'm good/solid, and to be totally raw and honest, I'm scared to ask. It's hard to hear where you're a failure, especially in friendship, motherhood, and a wife, and well let me tell you, I'm a pretty big failure in all 3. I have a HORRIBLE relationship with my 2nd son/3rd child. My oldest living child, graduates this spring and his plan is to move to Arizona, which is about 20 hours drive from us. I say hurtful things to the people I love the most in this world and the reality is, nothing I can say, no amount of sorry's takes my ugly words away.
I am a person who NEEDS girlfriends in her life. I want friends. I long for them. Having 2 best friends hours away, my best Army wife friend half way across the world, and another the other way across the world.
I long for a friend who knows my heart, see's the ugly, and will love me anyways. I'm not sure I'll have that here, but I'm praying that I will, one day. I'm hopeful that the friends who are far in distance, will be there a bit more for me. Will answer when I call or will call me vs me having to call them.
I am not sure why the Lord has placed me in this spot with friendships the last 6 years. Will you join me in prayer, the 2 or 3 people who read this. Pray that the Lord will bring a friend to my life, for the long haul, who will be a friend who will call me out on my shortcomings and will be there for the good and the bad. Will love me for me.

Friendships

I wrote this in June and forgot to
June 22
Yesterday I came across a Meme and it really struck me with reality and heart ache.
I had been with two friends, two friends I consider some of my closest friends here and found them talking about me, giving each other "looks" between, which said no doubt they've been talking about me, before this. It honestly threw me a little, right there, just inches from me little remarks and looks that were like a knife into my heart.
I have two best (girl) friends and neither live here, and both I trust, and although we won't always agree on everything, I know they're true friends, they come TO me and to my face (or phone or text) and will tell me the TRUTH. They don't stand behind my back and make little snide comments or looks. It got me to thinking thought of the fact that I've gossiped about friends, as well. I've gossiped with those same two friends about the other and the conviction HURT, but it doesn't take away the truth and it's been a harsh reminder that if I don't want others talking about me, then I best be above reproach myself.
So when with a friend yesterday and I saw talk going that way, leading to gossip, I redirected. I have hard habits that must be broken, and this is most definitely one that is ending now.
My heart still hurts, trust has been broken. I guess I'm just still in shock that it happened right there nearly in front of me (although it was literally behind my back and I just turned and saw it and heard the comments.

Notice

European Union laws require you to give European Union visitors information about cookies used and data collected on your blog. In many cases, these laws also require you to obtain consent.

As a courtesy, we have added a notice on your blog to explain Google's use of certain Blogger and Google cookies, including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies, and other data collected by Google.

You are responsible for confirming this notice actually works for your blog, and that it displays. If you employ other cookies, for example by adding third party features, this notice may not work for you. If you include functionality from other providers there may be extra information collected from your users.

There's the official, I'm only posting it once, won't do it again! :)

Christy 

Too young to say Goodbye

On Mother's Day it was our local high school graduation. Our oldest son attends the high school (the rets of our children are homeschooled). Monday night, one of the young men who graduated was on his way home from his girlfriends when a terrible accident happened, he wrecked and did not survive. His parents donated his organs (he had chosen to be an organ donor), and through that donation, he changed 50, yes you read that right FIFTY people's lives!  It's been a VERY emotional week. It's hard to wrap ones head around that a life is complete in 17 years, but the Lord called him home. All week I've comforted my son and various friends who've walked into our home as they grieved their friend, as well as done their best to be there for his younger brother who's the same age as my oldest son and one of his best friends.

The facts are, we as parents never expect to outlive our children. We don't expect to have to comfort our teenage and younger children as they mourn the loss of their friend, and as they watch their friend mourn his brother. The hardest part for me has been to watch my son cry, hurt, mourn and know that I can't fix this for him. To watch these boys want their friend back and know that he's not just off on summer vacation, but with our Savior. I hate that a friend of mine now knows this pain that is a bereaved parent. I don't wish that on anyone.

Please keep our small community in your prayers. This young man was a very talented wrestler in his own right and he also helped coach Kids wrestling as well and many of those kids are very young and hurting and some just don't get it. He was a life guard, taught many (including 2 of mine) kids during swimming lessons. Tonight starts the new normal for them in reality. The planning is over, and really most people's lives will start to go back to normal, and the hard grieving and work will begin. Deep breaths will be taken, and the reality will feel even more real. God makes us numb for a good week or so after the death of a loved one, but then he allows that numbness to let up and you start going through those grief phases. Please pray for the family.

My Girl

Today, May 8 marks 18 years since my first born, my beautiful girl went to Heaven. She was dx with AML leukemia M5 with CNS involvement....

I'm just going to leave this here, maybe I will be able to write more tomorrow..

Isaiah 40:11

Being a mom is hard.  It's hard physical work, and even more hard emotional work. For me the hardest thing in the world was burying our daughter, after a 14 month battle against AML leukemia, but that doesn't give me a free pass from other hard parenting moments.
We've had so many challenges face us the last year as parents. We've had a child make one bad choice after another and I just found out more challenges, because of selfish choices have been made by this child.
I feel like a constant failure. We've tried to pour Jesus into this child, into all of our children. I was finally feeling like all this junk was behind us, and then discover no, it's not, not even close.
I keep finding myself in tears today, and I know they will not fix this, they won't help, it's my body, my soul's way of dealing with these choices.
I am crying out to Jesus. Begging Him to guide me, most of all guide my child. I want this child's heart focused on Jesus. I want this child of mine, to not feel like mine as much as Christ's.
I need HIS guidance.
The hardest part of all of this, is finding out my husband has kept it all a secret. I found out today, because I came across a card in his car this afternoon and asked him about it. He has been lying to me, keeping this secret of our child's for months. He keeps saying he told our child to tell me, but my thing is, HE, my husband knowingly kept this secret and actively LIED to me for months, and I don't think he'd have ever told me had I not found the card that I did find. We've been through a lot, and I am not sure when I'll be able to trust my husband again or this particular child.
I am sure that God will use this for me to lean on HIM more.

I'm once again led to my life verse, Isaiah 40:11
"He will tend his flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs in His arms; He will carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." 

God's moving

God's working all the time, unfortunately so often we do not pay attention to what he's doing. I truly believe even the most faithful are guilty of that. We get wrapped up in what we're doing, in the here and now, that we miss God trying to get our attention. We're stubborn, controlling, short sighted, the list goes on.
Tonight my husband and I attended a Fundraising dinner for our local Pregnancy Center. It's Christ centered. Life of unborn babies is one of the things I'm passionate about. I used to be pro "choice" but lets just be real here, there is NO choice for the baby, it's pro murder/abortion or pro life, that's your choices! I've driven by the pregnancy center so many times, I can't even tell you. I've prayed for them, but never stopped in. I never inquired more about what they do, until I learned tonight. A few weeks ago our Pastor asked me if we'd be interested in attending. He's a "friend" on facebook, so he KNOWS my stance on Prolife, and I was so excited to say yes!
We listened to various speakers, and the last one talked about what they're fundraising for, as well as needs they have with volunteers. One need is for men to volunteer, to counsel these dad's who walk through the door with their wives, girlfriends, or a woman they got pregnant with! They are often scared, concerned, confused, etc. So often in pregnancy scenario's men are left out. Well that baby did not come into existence without a man contributing and the best chance for a child is to have a dad and a mom in their life.
I felt without a doubt the Lord speaking that my husband should volunteer, I told him that quietly, but didn't push (and let me tell you I AM pushy, controlling, well you get it). I told him I felt led to volunteer and no pressure from me. I don't know what my volunteerism will look like, but it's a part of my heart and I know I should be there. Then my husband said, "I'll do it. I know that's what I should be doing." He didn't say it with dread or anything, just that he knows God is leading him to this ministry.
Will you join me in praying for the JC Pregnancy Center, that the money they need to be able to become independent from the one 30 miles down the road can happen (this is the goal), that volunteers who are supposed to be there, will be there. Pray for our community as a whole, the unwed women who walk in there thinking "abortion", but walk out having being gently ministered to, having had an ultrasound (u/s), having been prayed over (her and her baby), having men in our community step up, being strong and courageous .
God's moving in so many ways in our life right now and sometimes my head just spins thinking about all the things He's doing, but in awesome wonder as we watch it unfold.